God First
Biblical
Insights for a Christian Marriage
By:
Steven R. & Cheryl L. Cook
Introduction
Why the book? As a couple, we have spent numerous hours reading the Bible, articles, and books about marriage and realized not many writings are available that offer purely Biblical principles as the foundation of a Christian marriage. We believe that the Bible is a reliable and exhaustive source of information for two believers seeking guidance in the fundamentals of a healthy and dynamic marriage. With this in mind, we hope to offer a fresh biblical perspective on the workings of a Christian marriage. With the exception of one quote, we seek to offer no other source other than the Bible throughout this work.
Marriage is designed for the believer as well as the unbeliever for the purpose of providing stability in the home and in society. But we think only the Christian marriage, if Biblical mandates are followed by both individual believers, can offer the most fulfillment. At its basic level, a Christian marriage requires only one believer, for the unbeliever is sanctified by the believing spouse and is accepted before God
(I Corinthians 7:14). However, the most fulfilling marriages involve two believers who are submitted individually to the will of God.
The original foundation of marriage can be traced back to the Garden of Eden where God Himself diversified the roles between Adam and Eve. Our roles were created by God and skewed by the Fall. After the Fall, sin corrupted humanity’s perception of relationships, and there has been a struggle for Christians to get back what was lost. This work will discuss, in part, the roles that are given to men and women in marriages in the hope that God’s original design might be reclaimed.
In addition,
in the gospels, Jesus, had a high regard for women but at the same time
acknowledged a distinction in the roles of men and women. Men and women served
Jesus in equally important capacities.
Men were chosen as apostles to spread the gospel and to govern the
affairs of the church. Women ministered
to physical needs, served as prayer warriors, affirmed theological
understanding, and were the first witnesses of the resurrection of Jesus.
While considering the material for this book, we thought about what other authors offered for Christian marriages and considered if there was anything we could add to the vast amount of material already available. Other books on marriage address issues of money, sex, communication, etc., which we think are secondary to a healthy relationship. Although these issues are important, we believe that having a foundation built on a relationship with Christ allows a couple to deal with the pressures of life. We think that a wonderful Christian marriage is based on Biblical truths rather than on the details of life. If a marriage tries to build on the details of life rather than on the word of God, failure is more likely.
As a matter of priority in life, God must come first. For the Christian, there can be nothing higher in life than God and His will. There can be no greater endeavor for a Christian than to seek to know God in every way as He has been revealed through Scripture. As we learn about God and His will, we learn also that we have an obligation to serve Him in every aspect of life, and marriage is one of the most important.
The Bible should hold prominence for the believer as the source of direction, comfort, hope, and faith. We cannot live the Christian life without first knowing what it is; therefore, it becomes necessary to know God’s word in order to live God’s will. In His word, God has sovereignly spoken to us and made understandable His plan on marriage. God, therefore, becomes the ultimate source of information and power for two believers who want to have a dynamic marriage.
In order to have a successful Christian marriage, it must be God centered, biblically based, and Spirit led. The growth of the marriage is directly proportional to the growth of each individual believer. To achieve growth within a marriage each believer must have a biblical understanding of what is foundationally necessary for optimal success. This book is scripturally based without reference to Psychology, societal values, or statistics. Everything asserted is shown to be supported by Scripture. Everything in this book presupposes that the Scriptures are sufficient to provide a basis of stability and joy within a marriage.
For the record, we assume that those who read and want to benefit from the content in this book are already saved. But just in case you are not saved, we would like to take the time to present the gospel in simple format for your information:
Salvation by
faith alone in Christ alone
1.
God is righteous. God’s righteousness is perfect because He is perfect. God demands that if we are going to have a
relationship with Him, then we are to be as perfect as He is.
“Therefore
you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48
For not
knowing about God’s righteousness and seeking to establish their own, they did
not subject themselves to the righteousness of God. For Christ is the end of
the law for righteousness to everyone who believes. Romans 10:3-4
2.
Man is not able to enjoy a relationship with God because man is fallen from his
original, perfect, created state.
For all
have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by
His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; Romans 3:23-24
Therefore,
just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and
so death spread to all men, because all sinned— for until the Law sin was in the
world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law. Nevertheless death reigned
from Adam until Moses, even over those who had not sinned in the likeness of
the offense of Adam, who is a type of Him who was to come. Romans 5:12-14
For all of us have become like one who is unclean,
And all our righteous deeds are like a menstrual rag;
And all of us wither like a leaf,
And our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. Isaiah 64:6
3.
Man cannot reconcile himself to God because he does not have the ability within
himself to correct his position.
For all
have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by
His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; Romans 3:23-24
Nevertheless
knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the Law but through faith
in Christ Jesus, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we may be
justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the Law; since by the
works of the Law no flesh will be justified. Galatians 2:16
4.
God in His grace and mercy reconciled us to Himself through the death of His
Son Jesus. God’s righteous demands upon
humanity have been satisfied because a just and righteous Man died as a
substitute for unjust and unrighteous humanity.
Namely,
that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their
trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.
Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal
through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him
who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the
righteousness of God in Him. II
Corinthians 5:19-21
He saved us, not on the basis of
deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the
washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit Titus. 3:5
5.
God has made the gospel so simple that even a child can understand it. The issue for you and every other human is
faith in Jesus Christ. God has made
salvation as simple as “believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be
saved” Acts
“For God
so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes
in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. “For God did not send the Son
into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through
Him. “He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been
judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten
Son of God.” John 3:16-18
“He who
believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not
see life, but the wrath of God abides on him.” John 3: 36
These
have been written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of
God; and that believing you may have life in His name. John 20:31
“And there
is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has
been given among men by which we must be saved.” Acts
They
said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your
household.” Acts
Nevertheless
knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the Law but through faith
in Christ Jesus, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we may be
justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the Law; since by the
works of the Law no flesh will be justified. Galatians 2:16
For by
grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is
the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. II Corinthians 5:17
After a person believes in Christ for salvation, then he can understand that the Bible speaks to him now about how he should live. The information in this book is not only beneficial for marriage but also for many other areas of the believer’s life. Throughout this book all Bible references or quotes are from the New American Standard Bible.
Chapter One
God First – The Basis of a Healthy Christian
Marriage
The greatest Christians throughout history are those who have answered the call of the Holy Spirit and have said “yes” to the life of sacrifice. The Christian life is great in many ways, but that greatness is most manifest to the watching world in the life of the believer who has surrendered all to God. He is that one who has placed God first in his life above all else and has said yes to the wooing of the Spirit. We firmly believe that God should be the number one priority in a believer’s life and that NOTHING should ever come above Him. There is no hope of believers enjoying life to the fullest while at the same time they reject their Father who is the very source of life. Before anything else in life, we are to be a Christian! Before being a citizen of this country, we are to be a Christian. Before being an employee on the job, we are to be a Christian. Before being a friend or brother, we are to be a Christian. Before being a spouse, we are to be a Christian. God is to hold first place in every area of our life and should not be compromised.
When considering various characters in the Bible and the
lives they lived, it becomes obvious that their moments of greatest success
came when they chose to place God and His will first in their lives. It also becomes obvious that failure resulted
when they chose to abandon God and His will for some other substitute. Whether considering Adam, Abraham, Moses,
Elijah, David, Peter, Thomas, Paul, or any other Biblical character, it becomes
obvious that their blessing or discipline became the direct result of the place
of priority they gave God and His will in their lives. When God was first, there was blessing. When God was abandoned, there was
discipline. Even the
When you say you love God, it means you give
Him a place of priority in your life. To
say you love God more than anyone or anything else means you give Him TOP
PRIORITY and nothing ever comes above or before Him. To give God first place in your life means
something else; it means you obey Him without exception when He commands
something of you. Christ Himself stated “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John
There is no person greater than God; therefore, He should become the greatest Person in your life. You are commanded to love God and to put Him first above everyone and everything. God must have priority, even above your spouse! We are not trying to make light of the spouse God has given you; however, we are trying to establish a proper perspective of priorities: “every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17). God is the source of everything good and perfect. Your spouse can be a gift from God to you. But you are never to substitute the gift for the Giver. Until God comes first, everything will seem cheap, including our marriage.
Your spouse is designed by God to offer many things to you and to meet certain needs such as companionship, love, comfort, encouragement, and friendship. However, when you confuse your spouse with God, the results are disastrous. You should never make the choice of putting your spouse above God or expect your spouse to fill certain needs that only God can fill such as hope, strength, stability, wisdom, direction, guidance, love, and faith. Knowing the difference between the two comes by knowing and applying the word of God.
We know couples that spend more time with their spouses than they do with God. God is only given a small place in their lives. As God becomes smaller and smaller to them, their problems become bigger and bigger. For the married couple who abandons God in their relationship and who do not give Him proper place, there will be a void which both will try to fill with each other. As your spouse fails you - and they will - you will become disillusioned, and disaster will result. Some of you may even try to control your spouse and possess them, but this will only bring about a further alienation as they fail you more and more.
By knowing the word of God, you can understand the provision of God (Ephesians 1:3), and His directive for how you should live. You can understand that God can and will meet all your needs as an individual so that you are free to love each other without any false expectations. Only when God comes first in each individual will a good Christian marriage result.
We would like to point out that the
Bible teaches allegiance to God above all else, including saving one’s own
life. In Daniel chapter 3, there is a
story of three Hebrew children who were taken into captivity under an
unbelieving ruler named Nebuchadnezzar.
God gave the Hebrew nation into the hands of Nebuchadnezzar for the
purpose of discipline (Daniel 1:2) because the Hebrews had abandoned God for
the worship of false gods and had done some despicable acts to their children
(Ezekiel 16:1-63; Lamentations
God always saves and preserves a remnant of people within each nation. The three Hebrew children who defied the king’s edict were confident because they knew the word of God and knew God Himself. They knew God commanded them to not worship false gods (Exodus 20:3-5), they knew why their people were in bondage, and they did not want to perpetuate God’s punishment. So they defied the king and his order and placed themselves in a position where their servitude to God held precedence over their obedience to the king, their own well-being, and even life itself. Their obedience resulted in God’s provision of protection.
This story is an example of obedience to God without compromise. There are commands given by God (i.e. no worship of false gods) which Christians have no choice but to obey, even if it means the loss of life. Where the Bible is silent, there is opportunity to have freedom of expression. There are many standards set forth in God’s word, and only those issues outside of the word of God allow freedom to compromise. If a Christian goes against the word of God regarding his marriage, then misery and discipline will come. If the Christian who is married embraces the commands found in the Bible, then blessing will find its place in his marriage.
We know there are times when you will suffer some hardship in your marriage such as the death of someone dear, a sickness, or some other serious matter. We are not saying that there is not a place for grieving or freedom of emotional expression. We are saying that God is able to give you hope and strength so that your pain does not overcome you.
When we say that we are Christians first, we mean that we put God first in every area of our lives. This means putting God first in our thinking and then our decisions. We put it in this order because we believe you must learn to be a Christian before you live the Christian life. Understanding the Bible must precede decision-making. Otherwise, we are operating on emotions or allowing ourselves to be controlled by circumstances or demonic forces. With each decision we make, either we are making good choices from truth, or we are making bad choices from lies.
“He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37), “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26). Jesus’ use of hyperbole teaches that a believer should love God more than he loves his family. Believers are commanded to love everyone, including their families; however, love for God should always be first. God is to be first in our thinking, affection, and choices. As believers, everything we do should consider God first, above all, even our spouse.
During the time of the first century church, in the period of the reign of Nero and Domitian, there were horrible attacks on Christians because they would not deny Jesus as their Lord. To the Romans, Christians were rebels who stood opposed to the unity of the state. Christians would not acknowledge Caesar as deity because they understood that to do so would be to put Caesar on the same level as Christ. Other religions had no problem worshipping Caesar, but the Christians knew they could not. During the persecutions, some Christians were told to deny Christ or watch their spouses and children put to death. Even though these Christians loved their families, they would not deny Christ no matter the cost. The early Christians took seriously the words of our Lord Jesus about putting Him first above all else. Some of the Christians who lived during the times of the early church watched their loved ones put to a horrible death. Some were crucified, others were torn limb from limb, yet others were thrown to lions or gored by bulls in the arena as spectators watched. The early Christians had a pure, unconfused understanding of the place of Christ in their lives. They knew who Christ was, as the Son of God, and they knew that to deny Him was to deny life itself. Though many Christians wept over the loss of their loved ones, they knew that it would be a short time before they would be reunited in heaven.
Again, we hope to demonstrate the principle that God must come first above all else. Many Christian books on marriage have failed to cover this point well enough. To be a Christian first is something that cannot be overemphasized, especially in marriage. If you both choose to put God first, then you will begin to see a change in your marriage because God will be in control. You will stop acting immaturely toward each other and will learn to be gracious because God is gracious to you. You will learn that God is the source of your daily needs and you will stop blaming each other for failing.
Understand that it is God who has given you life (Psalm 100:3) and that He sustains that life from day to day. You live because He has so ordained it. God did not make a mistake by bringing you into this world, and he has not made a mistake by keeping you here. Every time you take a breath you know that God has a purpose for your life and that there is hope and meaning in Him.
God is Able to Meet all Your Needs
God has a purpose for every area of
your life, including your marriage. Did
not God know that you were going to be married?
Did not God know that your marriage would have ups and downs? Did not God make provision for your
marriage? Of Course He did! God has not abandoned you. There may be times that you are unfaithful to
God, but do not think for one moment that He has ever abandoned you, or ever
will. “Even though we are not faithful,
He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself” (II Timothy
God is more than able to meet all your needs. He is omniscient and knows all there is to know about you, including your problems, even before they happen. God is aware of your existence as well as the existence of your spouse. He knew in eternity past that the two of you would get married and would have the life you now live. God knew all your strengths and all your weaknesses. He knew when you would succeed and when you would fail. God is not shocked by anything that has happened up to this moment or what will happen in the future. God is totally aware of everything there is to know about you and your spouse and has made every provision for you to have a wonderful marriage.
God is omnipresent, and He has been with you every step of the way in your life as well as your marriage. He has been there every time you succeeded and every time you failed. He has seen all you have ever done and will do. God cannot be any closer to you than He already is! God will never leave you, ever! (Hebrews 13: 5.)
God is omnipotent, and He is in complete control all of the time. He is able to make your marriage great-if you will look to Him and put Him first. Your spouse is not all-powerful and cannot meet all your needs all of the time. Your spouse will fail you but God will not fail. God is more than sufficient to guide your life and your marriage.
God possesses perfect love. His love does not increase and does not decrease. God loves you with His perfect love, which does not change (ever). God is stable, and His love is stable. When God loves you with His perfect love it means that it does not ever increase or decrease. God cannot love you any more than He already does! Since God is love (I John 4:8), it means that He is also the source of love. If you say that you love your wife, but do not have God or His love, then you are a liar. You are lying to your spouse if you say that you love her, and yet put God second in your life. If you do not put God first and receive His love, then you cannot give love to your spouse. You cannot give what you do not possess! God must come first if you are to receive anything precious to offer to others. God gives you the love you then give to your spouse.
God is immutable and does not ever change. This means that God is the only stable Person in existence. Everything passes away, except God and His word. If you put ultimate trust in anything other than God and His word, then it is inevitable that you will fail. We understand that you must trust your spouse in order for your marriage to work; however, you must understand that no matter how good your spouse is, he has a fallen nature, and therefore he will from time to time fail you. “Thus says the Lord, ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength” (Jeremiah 17:5). If you look to your spouse to be everything you need, you’re cursed! “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord” (Jeremiah 17:7). If both of you trust in God above all else, you will be joyful, and your marriage will be strong.
God is veracity. This means that
God has never lied to you and never will.
He is truth and cannot lie (Hebrews
God is life. He created you, and
only He is able to meet all your needs.
Your marriage is only one area of your life, and God is able to manage
it as well as all else. You must learn
to walk by faith and trust in His word.
Faith is first knowing the word of God and then applying that word
(Romans
As a Christian you are commanded to forgive, both believers and unbelievers alike. You are commanded to forgive your spouse when you are wronged. You may not feel like forgiving your spouse, but feeling has nothing to do with forgiveness. You are to forgive because God commands you to do so. You did not deserve the forgiveness God gave you as a sinner, and neither does the person you forgive deserve the forgiveness you extend to them. You should forgive others because God commands it and because it reflects the grace of God that is extended to you.
Of course, if you choose not to give God priority in your life, then we are wasting our words on you. If you choose to be ignorant or arrogant regarding God and His word, then you have no one to blame but yourself for a miserable marriage and life. If you choose to abandon God and all he has offered to you, then there is nothing else left in this life but confusion and frustration. Do not make the choice to put God second on your list of priorities.
This diagram will help illustrate the Biblical concept.
GOD
The supplier of our deepest needs
Eph. 1:3; Phil. 4:11-13, 19.
Husband Wife
Provider of sacrificial love Responding love to what
Eph. 5:22-30; I Peter 3:7 the husband initiates
I Peter 3:1, 2; Eph.
If you as a couple love God before each other, then your needs are met and you are able to come together and love each other freely. If one or the other should fail in keeping their end of the relationship, then there is still a source of strength to be found in God. Love can be given to one another only to the degree that it is received first from God.
This first chapter was written to challenge you regarding your understanding of God and priorities. We hope that we have made ourselves clear to you and presented God in such a way that you see He is both able to meet your personal and marital needs and that He has already done so much for you. We want you to understand that God is the ultimate source for the needs in your marriage. It is our prayer that you put Him first above all else and never become confused about His place in your life. What you value in life, you make time for.
Chapter Two
God’s Word – Directing the Believer
The
law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul;
The
testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.
The precepts
of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart;
The
commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.
Psalm 19:7-8
A Christian marriage has the greatest potential for success
when both partners are believers in Christ.
Though these believers are united as one and in many ways function as
one, they are still individuals who make individual decisions for God and for
each other. The issue set forth in this
chapter addresses what each individual believer’s attitude should be towards
the Bible. It is our conviction that the Bible should be central to each
believer’s life for the purpose of receiving instruction on how to think and
live as a Christian ought. The Bible should
be central for attaining guidelines for each believer and for the marriage
unit. Just as we saw in the last
chapter, how each believer must learn to put God first above all else, so each
believer should learn to make the Bible central. Indeed, if God is first, the Bible will be
central.
Making the Bible central means we should be giving the
Bible a place of prominence in our daily life.
It also means we should be reading the Bible and learning to make
application to our lives as we grow in understanding. There is a basic premise we argue throughout
this book: you cannot live what you do
not know, therefore, Bible knowledge must precede application to life. If you are going to be mature Christians and
have a healthy marriage, then you need to understand the Bible and live
it. The Bible offers many benefits to
the Christian, and it is our purpose throughout this chapter to make obvious
the essential ones.
God’s word reveals God’s will for mankind. The Bible can be trusted because God’s word
is without error on every matter which it addresses. There are some who question the inerrancy of
the Scriptures, and they do so against what the Bible says about itself (II
Timothy
To the believer, the Bible
is the ONLY source of divine revelation, and he should not seek for God’s will
outside of its pages. The Christian, who
wants to grow and be mature, must study the Bible daily. There is no substitute for the Bible in
regards to knowing God or His will for His child. The Bible provides all the information the
believer needs to grow spiritually (I Corinthians
As believers, if we are
going to make good decisions, we need to make them based on the promises,
principles, and doctrines found in the Bible.
If we abandon God’s word, then we are sure to make bad decisions from our
ignorance. Good decisions come from
living according to God’s word; bad decisions come from ignoring God’s
word. To the married Christian, the
Bible offers divine guidance to secure a more productive life. To grow to maturity, the believer should follow
the instructions in the following verses:
Be
diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to
be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. II Timothy 2:15
Buy the truth,
and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction and understanding. Proverbs 23:23
Jesus
answered and said unto him, “If a man loves me, he will keep my words: and My
Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with
him. He that loves me not, keeps not my
sayings: and the word which you hear is not mine, but the Father’s which sent
me.” John 14:23-24
The Christian who has been
growing spiritually can claim:
The law
of thy mouth is better unto me than thousands of gold and silver. Psalm 119:72
Therefore
I love Your commandments above gold, yes, above fine gold. Psalm 119:127
I
rejoice at your word, as one who finds great spoil. Psalm 119:162
Consider some of the benefits of the
Bible.
The Word is Beneficial for Obtaining
Salvation:
I am the
Way, the Truth, and the Life; no man cometh unto the Father but by me. John 14:6
But these have been written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing you may have life in His name. John 20:31
The written word points us to the living Word. The Bible (the written word) makes the gospel
account clear to the unbeliever and his choice to believe in Christ (the living
Word) for eternal salvation. We took the
time to include the gospel message in the introduction of this book, and if you
have not read it or are not sure of your salvation, we suggest you take the
time to go back and read it. The Bible
speaks to the unbeliever only in regards to the gospel message and nothing
else. This book is written to believers
and therefore assumes you are saved. If
you are not saved, then what we write in this book will not benefit you.
The Word is Beneficial for Offering
Instruction/Guidance:
Teach me
thy way, O Lord; I will walk in thy truth; unite my heart to fear thy
name. Psalm 86:11
Here is a biblical example of learning and living. As the believer is taught the way of the
Lord, he may then walk in the truth he has received. This attitude of fear here is also known as
humility. The humble person obeys God;
the arrogant person obeys only himself and the world.
O how I
love Your law!
It is my
meditation all the day.
Your
commandments make me wiser than my enemies,
For they
are ever mine.
I have
more insight than all my teachers,
For your
testimonies are my meditation.
I
understand more than the aged,
Because
I have observed your precepts.
I have
restrained my feet from every evil way,
That I
may keep your word.
I have
not turned aside from your ordinances,
For you
yourself have taught me.
How
sweet are your words to my taste!
Yes,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!
From
your precepts I get understanding;
Therefore
I hate every false way.
Your
word is a lamp unto my feet
And a
light to my path.
I have
sworn and will confirm it,
That I
will keep Your righteous ordinances.
Psalm
119:97-106
It is sometimes hard to elaborate on something that is so
well said as is the previous passage.
One point to make clear is “Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light
unto my path”. If you have ever been
camping, you know when you grab the lantern and head out from the tent that the
light only shines so far around you.
Likewise the word of God illuminates your immediate path in life and
allows you to walk as far as it shines unto your path. Without the word of God you are only left to
bump around in the darkness and hope you do not hurt yourself.
The Word is Beneficial for Teaching us
Protection from Demons/Resist Temptation:
But I am
afraid, lest as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds should
be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ. II Corinthians 11:3
Satan knows the Bible backwards and forwards, and he can be
very crafty in his deception, even using the Bible to deceive. You can be easily deceived if you abandon the
word. Eve was deceived because she
abandoned the word given to her in the garden which stated “the tree of the
knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from
it you will surely die” (Genesis 2:17).
The serpent came along and deceitfully said, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You
shall not eat from any tree of the garden… You surely will not die” (Genesis
3:1, 4). You see, Satan took God’s words
and twisted them by mixing the truth with a lie, and Eve walked into his
trap. The principle is: even if you
contradict the word of God in ignorance, God will still hold you accountable
for what you do. Knowing God’s word accurately protects you from deception.
And do
not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and
acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
The only way for the believer not to be conformed to the
world is by being transformed by the renewing of his mind through the word of
God. Only through the Bible can we know
what the will of God is and also what is “good and acceptable and perfect”. As with Eve, Satan tried to deceive Christ in
the wilderness.
Then Jesus was led up by the
Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after He had fasted forty days and forty
nights, H then became hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, “If You are
the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” But He answered and said, “It is written,
‘MAN SHALL NOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE, BUT ON EVERY WORD THAT PROCEEDS OUT OF THE
MOUTH OF GOD.” Then the devil took Him into the holy city and had Him stand on
the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw
Yourself down; for it is written, ‘He
will command His angels concerning You’; and ‘On their hands
they will bear You up, So that
You will not strike Your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus said to him, “On the
other hand, it is written, ‘You shall
not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Again, the devil took Him to a very high mountain and showed
Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory; and he said to Him, “All
these things I will give You, if You fall down and worship me.” Then Jesus said
to him, “Go, Satan! For it is written, ‘You
shall worship the Lord your God, and serve Him only.’” Then the devil
left Him; and behold, angels came and began to minister to
Him. Matthew 4:1-11
This passage of Scripture is always shocking to us because
Satan had no problem trying to deceive the Son of God. In the first
temptation, Satan tried to get Jesus to turn away from relying on the Holy
Spirit to sustain Him. The temptation
was for Jesus to use His divine power and turn stones to bread. Nowhere in the Old Testament is there a
prophecy which stated that Jesus would die in the wilderness from
starvation. If Jesus had turned the
stones to bread, then He would have been found not relying on Holy Spirit as He
guided Jesus through the Scriptures.
Jesus did rely on the Scriptures, and He used them to defeat Satan in
all three attacks. In the second temptation Satan twisted
Scripture in an attempt to trap Jesus; however, Satan’s usage was deceptive
because he only quoted part of a verse (Psalm 91:11-12), and that out of
context. In the third temptation Satan tried to get Jesus to turn away from the
Father’s plan to go to the Cross. The
offer from Satan to Jesus was to possess “all the kingdoms of the world and
their glory” without going to cross to get them. Jesus knew that the Father had a plan for
Him, and that plan was found within the Scriptures, which the Holy Spirit used
to lead Him. In all three temptations
Jesus responded to Satan with the opening phrase “it is written” and then went
on to shut Satan down in regard to his attacks.
Our point is that if the Son of God considered the Scriptures sufficient
to deal with the greatest threat in life (which is Satan), then who are we to
think we can consider something better or even different than the Scriptures to
oppose Satan.
The Word is Beneficial for Offering Stability
against Pressures of Life:
Heaven
and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. Matthew 24:35
The sum of Your word is
truth,
And every one of Your
righteous ordinances is everlasting. Psalm 119:160
God and His Word are stable. Everything in the world,
including people, are passing away and are by nature unstable, and therefore
unreliable. To put trust in anything or
anyone in this world is to do harm to yourself.
Thus
says the Lord, “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his
strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. Jeremiah 17:5
Blessed
is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. Jeremiah 17:7
People
will fail you, you will fail you, but God will never fail you.
Therefore
everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a
wise man who built his house on the rock,
“And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed
against that house: and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the
rock. “Everyone who hears these words of
Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house
on the sand. “The rain fell, and the
floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and
great was its fall”. Matthew 7:24-27
This is another one of those great verses that does not
need much explanation. Wisdom is said to belong to the person who both hears
and acts upon the words of Christ. There is a clear benefit of protection from
the pressures life to the person who hears and acts upon the words of
Christ. Likewise, the man who hears the
words of Christ and does not act upon them is a fool and there is no benefit of
protection from the pressures of life. The pressures of life will come upon a
marriage; will you be wise or foolish?
But
prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.
James 1:22
Hear + Act = Wise Hear – Act = Fool
Christianity is not a spectator sport! In this verse, James is telling us that if we
hear the word without acting, we are deceived and foolish. If, after understanding the Scriptures, you
should make the choice to turn away and not obey, discipline will come upon
you. Like parents who discipline their
children, so God disciplines us when we are disobedient (Hebrews 12:5-11). James states, “to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do
it, to him it is sin” (James
How
blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor
stand in the path of sinners,
Nor
sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his
delight is in the law of the LORD,
And
in His law he meditates day and night.
He
will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which
yields its fruit in its season
And
its leaf does not wither;
And
in whatever he does, he prospers.
Psalm 1:1-3
As you learn to give the
word of God a central place in your life, you will become firmly planted and
will yield fruit, and you will prosper in whatever you do, including your
marriage.
The Word is Beneficial for Offering
Sanctification:
Sanctify
them in the truth; Your word is truth. John 17:17
How can
a young man keep his way pure? By
keeping it according to Your word…Your word I have treasured in my heart, that
I may not sin against You. Psalm 119:9, 11
“To sanctify” means to set apart. In John 17:17, Jesus was
praying to the Father that we as believers would be set apart from the world
unto service for Him. Jesus stated that
this sanctification would come only through His word. Too, Psalm 119:9, 11 explains
how a “young man keep his way pure”, he says “By keeping it according to Your
word… that I may not sin against You”.
As the believer daily takes in the word of God, sin will diminish in his
life. As the believer abandons or
ignores God’s word, sin will increase.
The Word is Beneficial for Giving Faith:
So faith
comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ. Romans 10:17
Faith comes only by hearing the word of God. As you grow in your knowledge of the word of
God, your faith will naturally increase.
Once you see your faith growing from your study of the word, you will
then begin to exercise your faith by trusting in the very word that gave it to
you. Faith comes from the Bible and
finds itself looking right back at the Bible.
The Word is Alive and Able to Perform:
For the
word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edge sword, and
piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and the
marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews
4:12
So shall
my word be which goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty,
without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for
which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11
The word of God is “living and active” and is “able to
judge the thoughts and intentions” of a person.
Do you ever wonder if your thoughts are the same as God’s thoughts? Just see if they line up with the
Scripture. Also, the word of God is able
to accomplish what it is sent to do (see II Timothy
The Word is Beneficial for Equipping/Maturity:
All
scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for
correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be
adequate, equipped for every good work.
II Timothy 3:16-17
God is the very source of all scripture, and therefore His
word is able to profit us for “teaching, for reproof, for correction, for
training in righteousness”. These are
important to bring us to maturity as Christians. The Greek word “that” in the passage is hina and introduces a purpose clause to
demonstrate that maturity and Christian work is the direct result of what comes
from teaching, reproof, correction, and training in the Scriptures.
Like
newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow
in respect to salvation. I Peter 2:2
Again, growth comes from daily feeding on the
Scriptures. Just as a baby grows from
feeding on milk, so a Christian grows from daily intake of the Scriptures.
You
therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are
not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own
steadfastness, but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ. II Peter 3:17-18
For everyone who partakes only of milk is not
accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is
for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern
good and evil. Hebrews 5:13-14
In this verse, there is a distinction drawn
between the baby Christian who feeds only on the milk of the word, and the
mature Christian who can handle the meat of the word. Just as milk is for the
baby, “solid food is for the mature”.
Meat should never be given to a baby because they would choke on it. There is nothing wrong with being a baby;
everyone was a baby at one time.
However, there is something wrong with a person who stays a spiritual
baby his whole life. All believers
should grow by feeding first on the milk of the word, and later on meat.
We are
no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by
every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful
scheming. Ephesians 4:14
In the world there are winds of doctrine
which are not from God. The child is
prone to being tossed about by these winds until he reaches a level of growth
and maturity through the word. We are
commanded to “no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and
carried about by every wind of doctrine”.
The Word Teaches the Difference Between
Divine Viewpoint and Human Viewpoint:
Let the
wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him
return to the Lord, and He will have compassion on him; and to our God for He
will abundantly pardon. For My thoughts
are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:7-9
As the believer studies the word of God more and more, he
soon realizes that the way God thinks and the way he thinks are very
different. Upon coming to understand
that “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways” the
believer must make the decision to either consider what exactly are God’s
thoughts, or abandon God’s thoughts and stick with his own. God issues the command for the wicked to
“forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts”. This can only happen when the person chooses
to substitute his thoughts for the thoughts of God. But this requires some help from God, since
we cannot come to know God’s thoughts by starting with only within ourselves;
God Himself must enlighten us through His word. The following two sections of
verses will demonstrate the difference between divine viewpoint and human viewpoint.
Now when
the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army
with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him,
“Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those
who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and
said, “O LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the LORD opened the
servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and
chariots of fire all around Elisha. II Kings
In this passage of Scripture, Elisha the prophet finds
himself surrounded by an army sent to take him captive or possibly to kill
him. Elisha’s
servant was the first to notice this army which had circled the city during the
night. The servant panicked and he came
to Elisha, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?”
There was alarm in his voice, and he thought they were doomed as he
looked out over this army. Where was God
in his thoughts?
When Elisha looked at the situation, he was very calm and
relaxed. He responded to his servant,
saying, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are
with them.” Elisha realized why his
servant was concerned; he lacked divine viewpoint. There was an army of angels
surrounding the army of men. When Elisha
prayed for God to open his servant’s eyes, the Lord responded, the servant then
saw what both Elisha and God saw, and he too became relaxed. The difference between divine viewpoint and
human viewpoint is the difference between being relaxed in life and panicking
every time a problem arises.
The next passage considering the difference between divine
viewpoint and human viewpoint is when our Lord Jesus encountered Pilate just
before the crucifixion.
So
Pilate said to Him, “You do not speak to me? Do You not know that I have
authority to release You, and I have authority to crucify You?” Jesus answered,
“You would have no authority over Me, unless it had been given you from above;
for this reason he who delivered Me to you has the greater sin.” John
19:10-11
Jesus had just been beaten during interrogation by Roman
military guards and brought before Pilate for more questioning. As Jesus stood before Pilate, He did not
answer questions put to Him because He knew He was going to the cross, and He
knew that there was no need of a defense.
Pilate was very perplexed at Jesus’ silence. Pilate said to Him, “You do not speak to me?”
Pilate was used to the groveling that came from men who knew their neck was on
the line. Pilate was used to having men
talk a hundred miles an hour in the hope of getting themselves out of
trouble. Yet Jesus stood there calmly
and said nothing.
Pilate thought maybe Jesus did not understand that if He
was going to speak now was the time and Pilate was the person to whom He should
speak. Pilate said “Do You not know that I have authority to release You, and I
have authority to crucify You?” This
statement comes from Pilate’s confidence rooted in his human viewpoint of the
situation. Pilate made this confident assertion because he thought maybe Jesus
did not understand that authority. Pilate’s words were an attempt to help Jesus
understand that if He was going to speak to anyone, it needed to be him.
Jesus shocked Pilate when He said, “You would have no authority
over Me, unless it had been given you from above”. Wow!
What a statement of confidence!
Jesus had information about this situation that Pilate did NOT
have. Jesus had divine viewpoint, and He
was able to stand with confidence. The
difference between Pilate’s confidence and Jesus’ confidence was the difference
between human viewpoint and divine viewpoint.
Jesus knew what the Scriptures said about Him and He had the courage to
face His problem, just like Elisha. If
you know what the word says about you, then you too can have divine viewpoint
in life, and you can have courage and confidence to live victoriously.
The Word Teaches Spirituality:
The next chapter will cover the teaching on spirituality so
we conclude this chapter with notes about how the Holy Spirit is inseparable
from the word of God.
But the
Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach
you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you. John
14:26
The Holy
Spirit has the specific ministry of bringing to mind the word of God to the
believers as they need it. It is the
Spirit Who teaches us all things through the Bible and helps us to remember
verses for the purpose of making application.
The Spirit doesn’t work outside of or in contradiction to the word of
God, ever! The next few verses offer
some insight into the connection of the Holy Spirit with the word of God.
And do
not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and
hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the
Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even
the Father; Ephesians 5:18-20
Note
that after people are filled with the Spirit, they are to speak to one another
in “psalms and hymns and spiritual songs” and to give “thanks for all things in
the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God”.
This is the fruit of the filling of the Spirit of God manifested in the
life of the believer. Note the
connection to the following verse:
Let the
word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and
admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with
thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colosians 3:16
We are
commanded to “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within” us. Notice the outcome as “psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs”; also, notice that there is “singing with thankfulness in your
hearts to God”. If you picked up on the
word order of both verses you quickly realize that the fruit of being “filled
with Spirit” and the fruit of letting the “word of Christ richly dwell within”
us is the same! Though the Spirit of God
and the word of God are different, they are at the same time inseparable. The Spirit of God does not work in the
believer’s life apart from the word of God and, likewise, the word of God is
dead without the Spirit of God.
It is
the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have
spoken to you are spirit and are life. John 6:63
Here
Jesus brings the Holy Spirit and the word of God together to demonstrate that
they are inseparable.
There are benefits to be gained from making the
Bible central to your life. All of the
information in this chapter is designed to help you better understand that the
Bible is important so you might be stable, strong, and productive as you grow
to maturity in the word. If you give the
Bible a central place in your life, you will learn to be controlled by it
rather than by circumstances or details which are subject to change. You can grow to maturity if you study and
accurately handle God’s word.
Having said all this, we would like to bring
your focus back to the fact that this is a book on marriage and that we have
included this chapter to point out what it takes for you to grow as an
individual and therefore as a couple. If
two believers are growing daily in the word of God, their marriage will
flourish. If you need wisdom, strength,
stability, faith, spiritual guidance, and protection from the pressures of
life, then you need to make the Bible central to your marriage.
Chapter Three
Spirituality – the Leading of the Spirit
Spirituality stands as the basis for the dynamic Christian
life. Spirituality is the basis of our
wisdom, our strength, our direction in life, and our overall ability to
manifest all that is Christian. If two
married believers are living and growing individually in the Spirit from day to
day, they possess a wisdom and strength which will enable them to overcome any
and all of the pressures of life and will ensure them stability and joy which
comes only from God.
Spirituality is very misunderstood among Christians today,
and we think it is necessary to take the time to present the basic elements of
this dynamic concept. We believe that
when this teaching is properly understood and applied to each individual
believer within a marriage, a basis for strength will be established. The Christian way of life requires
supernatural strength to meet the supernatural demands placed upon the
believer. From this point on we hope to
make clear the relevance of the Holy Spirit to each believer in a
marriage. Several aspects of the
ministries of the Spirit are necessary to establish a foundation for living the
Christian life.
Ministries
of the Holy Spirit
When approaching the Christian topic of spirituality, it is
important to understand some insights about the Holy Spirit and how he
ministers to others. This may seem
basic, but a believer cannot be spiritual apart from the Holy Spirit. If a Christian does not understand the
ministry of the Holy Spirit, then the believer cannot be spiritual. When the believer gives himself over to the
ministry of the Holy Spirit, then the believer is considered spiritual. Because the believer cannot submit to what he
does not understand, it will be necessary to point out some of the ministries
of the Spirit. The ministries of the
Holy Spirit are seen in the lives of two types of persons, (1) the unbeliever,
(2) the believer.
Ministry to the
unbeliever:
The Holy Spirit is to convict the world of unbelievers
regarding the Person and work of Christ on their behalf. This can be found in the following passage:
“And He, when He comes, will
convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment; concerning
sin, because they do not believe in Me; and concerning righteousness, because I
go to the Father and you no longer see Me; and concerning judgment, because the
ruler of this world has been judged. John 16:8-11
The Holy Spirit convicts the
unbelieving world of one sin only: “concerning sin, because they do not believe
in Me”. The only interaction the Holy
Spirit has with the unbeliever is in revealing the finished work of Christ on
the cross. Once the Holy Spirit makes
perspicuous the gospel message, the unbeliever has the opportunity to believe
or not to believe. If unbelievers hear
the gospel and choose not to believe, then they remain in darkness and
perpetual spiritual death. If the
unbeliever hears the gospel and believes in Christ for salvation, then they are
brought out of spiritual death and into eternal spiritual life.
Spiritual life
Therefore if any man is
in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things
have come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
To be a
new creature in Christ means that a spiritual transformation has occurred. When
a person believes in Jesus for salvation, they are brought to spiritual life by
God and are baptized by the Holy Spirit into union with Christ (Romans 6:4; I
Corinthians 12:13; Galatians 3:27-28).
Literally, the believer becomes a new species.
And you were dead in
your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course
of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit
that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly
lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the
mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. Ephesians 2:1-3
There
was a time when we lived and walked in spiritual death. We were not aware of the Holy Spirit or the
things pertaining to spiritual reality.
We belonged to that group who lived in darkness, deception, and
hopelessness. But now there is spiritual
life and a new reality.
But now in Christ Jesus
you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
Ephesians 2:13
For you were formerly
darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light.
Ephesians 5:8
And when you were dead
in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your
flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our
transgressions. Colossians 2:13
If you
have believed in Christ for salvation, then you are spiritually alive and can
understand the things of the Spirit. As
a Christian, there is the possibility for the Holy Spirit to manifest His fruit
(love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and
self-control) in your life and for you to reap the benefits; but, for that to
happen you must understand a few truths and principles first. To understand spirituality, you must
understand what the Holy Spirit has already done for you and how He works in
your life.
Ministry to the believer:
1. Regeneration is the
first ministry to the person who becomes a believer in Christ for
salvation. Once you are “born of the
Spirit” (John 3:6), you are entered into the family of God and have special
privileges which belong only to those who are His children (Ephesians 1:3).
2. The second ministry
to the believer after regeneration is that of “indwelling.” The indwelling of the Holy Spirit is one of
the unique characteristics of the dispensation of the church age. Support for this can be found in the
following verses:
Now on the last day, the
great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone is
thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. “He who believes in Me, as the Scripture
said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’” But this He
spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the
Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. John
7:37-39
“I will ask the Father,
and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that
is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see
Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in
you. John 14:16-17
And hope does not
disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts
through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5
However, you are not in
the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if
anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. Romans
8:9
By this we know that we
abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. I John 4:13
The Old
Testament saints had the Spirit come “upon” them but never “in” them. At times
the Spirit could be taken from an Old Testament saint (I Samuel
3. The third ministry of
the Holy Spirit to the believer is sealing.
“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the
day of redemption” (Ephesians
4. The fourth ministry
of the Holy Spirit to the believer is in baptizing him into union with Christ. This is a work done totally by the Holy
Spirit for the believer. This is never
to be confused with believer’s baptism where the believer, after salvation, is
baptized in water as a symbolic expression of what the Spirit does for
him. The baptism of the Holy Spirit can
be seen in the following verses:
As for
me, I baptize you with water for repentance, but He who is coming after me is
mightier than I, and I am not fit to remove His sandals; He will baptize you
with the Holy Spirit and fire. Matthew. 3:11
“I
baptized you with water; but He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.” Mark
1:8
John
answered and said to them all, “As for me, I baptize you with water; but One is
coming who is mightier than I, and I am not fit to untie the thong of His
sandals; He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Luke 3:16
“I did
not recognize Him, but He who sent me to baptize in water said to me, ‘He upon
whom you see the Spirit descending and remaining upon Him, this is the One who
baptizes in the Holy Spirit. John 1:33
For John baptized with water,
but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days from now. Acts 1:5
Or do you not know that
all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His
death? Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so
that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we
too might walk in newness of life. Romans 6:3-4
For by one Spirit we were all
baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free, and we
were all made to drink of one Spirit. I Corinthians 12:13
For all
of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There
is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither
male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:27
One of the benefits of being baptized into Christ is that
all racial, social, or gender differences are overcome and we are all one in
Christ. This equality can only be offered
by the Holy Spirit. Man has been trying to offer equality on these levels and
has failed miserably. When the Holy
Spirit places us into Christ, we have
equality and a common ground upon which to stand.
5. The fifth ministry of
the Holy Spirit to the believer is bringing to his remembrance the words of God
as they are found in the Bible.
“But the Helper, the
Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all
things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you. John 14:26
“But when He, the Spirit
of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on
His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose
to you what is to come. John 16:13
It is the role of the
Holy Spirit to help us remember the words of God so that we can find help in
our time of need. This requires some
involvement on our part as Christians because we must be willing to study the
word of God in the first place. The Holy
Spirit will only bring to our remembrance the words of God which we have first
learned through study.
6. The sixth ministry of
the Holy Spirit to the believer is “filling” (Ephesians
Spiritual
distinctions
The
Bible identifies three kinds of persons in the world: (1) the “natural man” who
stands as an unbeliever and is spiritually dead; (2) the “carnal man” who is an
immature believer and who walks daily after the flesh and feeds on the “milk”
of the word; (3) and the “spiritual” man who is controlled by the Holy Spirit
on a daily basis, who walks in the Spirit, and who takes in the “meat” of the
word.
The
natural man
But a natural man does
not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for they are foolishness to him,
and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he
who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no man.
For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he should instruct Him? But we
have the mind of Christ. I Corinthians 2:14-16
The
natural man (or unregenerate person) has no ability to perceive the things of
God and cannot perceive even God Himself.
“But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God; for
they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are
spiritually appraised.” (I Corinthians 2:14).
The natural man has no capacity to understand the things of God because
he is spiritually dead. Have you ever
tried to talk to a dead person? It would
be an exercise in frustration if you were to try. We suppose that the natural
man cannot be held accountable for his state, since he has no ability to change
himself any more than the dead can bring themselves to life. Revelation comes only through the Holy
Spirit. If a person does not have the
Spirit of God, then he cannot understand the things freely given by God.
We have
met persons who were unbelievers and who misunderstood the Bible every time
they picked it up. We used to try to
explain the Bible to them before explaining the gospel, and it only resulted in
frustration for the both of us. We had
to come to the understanding that the dead cannot understand anything
spiritual. Until a person believes in
Christ for salvation and receives the Holy Spirit, he will never be able to
understand the things of the Spirit.
Apart from the gospel, the Bible never speaks to the unbeliever. The
Bible never tells the unbeliever to be good or to follow the Ten Commandments
or to stop any bad pattern of behavior.
The Bible offers only the gospel to the unbeliever, and if he rejects
the gospel, then they continue in spiritual death and will never be able to
understand the things of God. Spiritual
things “are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are
spiritually appraised.” (I Corinthians 2:14).
The answer for the unbeliever is faith in Christ.
The spiritual man
The
spiritual man can understand the things of God because he has the Holy Spirit
to guide him into truth and to make God’s truth clear.
“These things I have
spoken to you, while abiding with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom
the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your
remembrance all that I said to you”. John 14:25-26
“I have many more things
to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. But when He, the Spirit of truth,
comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own
initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you
what is to come. He shall glorify Me; for He shall take of Mine, and shall
disclose it to you. All things that the Father has are Mine; therefore I said,
that He takes of Mine, and will disclose it to you”. John 16:12-15
Please note that in both
these passages Jesus is talking to believers.
Only believers can receive truth from God, while the unregenerate walk
in darkness.
For to us God revealed
them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of
God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the
man, which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the
Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit
who is from God, that we might know the things freely given to us by God, which
things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught
by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. I Corinthians
2:10-13
Only the spiritual man
can receive the truth of God and make application to his life. This is possible
because we have received the Spirit of God who leads us into all truth and
makes obvious to us the very thoughts of God which are freely given to us. When we talk to each other regarding the
things of God, we understand each other and give approval. When unbelievers hear our discussion, they
are baffled by it and cannot understand it because they
are spiritually dead. They may think
they understand, but they are operating from arrogance.
The
carnal man
The
carnal man is the believer who is controlled by his sin nature and who walks
according to his flesh.
And I, brethren, could
not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in
Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to
receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, for you are still
fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly,
and are you not walking like mere men? For when one says, “I am of Paul,” and
another, “I am of Apollos,” are you not mere men? I Corinthians 3:1-4
Notice that the Apostle Paul could not
speak to the Corinthians “as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to
infants in Christ.” Unlike the strong
Christian who can receive meat, these believers can only
handle milk. Paul speaks to
their shame! Though the carnal man is a
saved believer, he is crippled because he is not able to receive meat. His carnality is marked by jealousy
and strife. These are believers
who have given in to sin and who have never recouped. The answer to their problem is learniing to be “filled with the Spirit” daily and learning
to “walk in the Spirit”.
The filling of
the Spirit
And do not get drunk
with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, Ephesians
5:18
When a
person is drunk with wine, the alcohol clearly controls him. Likewise, when a person is filled with the
Spirit, the Spirit controls him. I think
most people have been drunk at least once in their life and can remember the
room spinning around. When a person is
drunk, there is no magic pill or drink they can take to make the sickness go
away. The Greek word for “dissipation”
is aswtia (asotia) and means
to be sick without a cure. In contrast
to being drunk, the believer is commanded to be continually “filled with the
Spirit”. The Greek word for “filling” is
plhrousqe (plerousthe) and it means that Holy Spirit permeates every
area of our life, and the character of Christ is being formed in us. Being filled with the Spirit does not mean
that we have more of the Spirit at one time and less at another; it means the
Spirit has more of us.
God is
perfect and everything He does is perfect.
When God gives us the Holy Spirit, He gives Him to us perfectly and
completely. God is stable. This means
that the Holy Spirit never comes and goes from us, but that we come and go from
the Spirit. God never leaves us, but we
leave Him every time we walk away from His will for us and when we produce
sin. It is at the moment of sin that we
“grieve” or “quench” the Spirit within us and thus cripple ourselves from
living the Christian life. Once we are
again filled with the Spirit, the issue for us is to walk in the Spirit moment
by moment as we live the life of faith. Several points about what the “filling”
accomplishes in us include:
1. The
purpose of the Spirit in “filling” us is to glorify Christ in us. Jesus Himself
said of the Spirit that “He will glorify Me” (John
2. The
Holy Spirit is the cause of spirituality in the life of the believer. Jesus Himself was said to be “full of the
Holy Spirit” (Luke 4:1) in His humanity.
As the Spirit led Him, so the Spirit will lead us. To be filled with the Spirit means that God’s
will is being done and Christ’s character is being formed in us.
Walking in the
Spirit
But I say, walk by the
Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets
its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are
in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you
please. Galatians 5:16-17
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.
Galatians 5: 25
It
should be pointed out that spirituality and carnality are absolutes. A believer is either in the Spirit or in
the flesh at any given moment. If
the believer is walking in the Spirit, he will not be in the flesh; if he is in
the flesh, he cannot be in the Spirit.
Paul very clearly says, “walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out
the desire of the flesh”. If you say yes
to the Spirit, by that very act you turn away from the flesh; if you say yes to
the flesh, by that very act you say no to the Spirit. Either you are being controlled by the Spirit
or you are being controlled by the flesh.
The
believer is empowered by the Holy Spirit to carry out the demands of God’s
word. Walking in the Spirit means
walking in perpetual reliance upon the Holy Spirit to
direct his life. Basically, the believer
is letting the Holy Spirit lead their life according to the revealed word of
God. As the believer learns to depend on
the Holy Spirit to guide and empower them, they are learning to walk in the
Spirit. The Spirit and the flesh stand
in complete opposition to each other as mutually exclusive. Once a believer has become yielded to God,
they may then allow themselves to be led by the Spirit.
We
would like to take the time to make a careful point about walking in the
Spirit. The Holy Spirit always leads
according to the Scriptures and never outside of or against them. We believe that as the believer learns to be
filled with the Spirit and learns to walk in the Spirit, everything will take
place within the confines of the teachings of Scripture. To put it another way, the Holy Spirit will never contradict or go against the teaching found
in the Bible. We have encountered
believers who claim to be led by the Spirit and yet what they are doing clearly
contradicts the Bible. An example of
this can be seen in the tongues movement
where dozens of believers gather to speak in tongues all at the same time without
an interpreter. In every case, they will say the Holy Spirit is acting upon
them and causing them to behave in this manner.
These believers are quenching the Spirit because what they are doing is
sin! They ignore the fact that “If
anyone speaks in a tongue, it should be by two or at the most three, and
each in turn, and one must interpret; but if there is no interpreter, he
must keep silent in the church” (I Corinthians 14: 27-28). The fact that there are more than “two or at
the most three” is wrong. Also, they all speak at the same time which violates
the command to speak “in turn”; and the fact that there is no interpreter does
not keep them from carrying on. The Holy
Spirit does not contradict Scripture. The
Holy Spirit promotes the Scripture. When
these believers contradict the Scriptures and blame their behavior on the Holy
Spirit, it is blasphemy! As the spirit
leads you, He will do so according to the Scriptures, as He did Christ in the
wilderness when He was being tempted (Matthew 4:1-4).
Grieving the
Spirit
Do not grieve the Holy
Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians
4:30
Grieving
the Holy Spirit is when a believer blatantly sins against the will of God. This is a negative command: do “not grieve
the Holy Spirit of God”. Grieving the
Spirit happens when a believer knows the will of God and makes a conscious
choice to turn away from it for what he deems the reward of sin. This is fairly straightforward.
During
the telling of a story, everyone at some time comes to point where they think
it might be profitable to interject a lie.
They might think that by beefing up the story they will get a bigger
laugh, or greater sob, or maybe they might be thought of in a better light.
Whatever the reasons, there are many persons who have intentionally lied for
the purpose of personal gain. When a
person comes to that point in the story where they knows they are about to tell
a lie and say it anyway, that is grieving the Spirit because it is intentional
and obvious to the one telling the story.
They know what they are doing is wrong and yet they do it anyway.
Quenching the
Spirit
Do not quench the
Spirit. I Thessalonians 5:19
Quenching
the Spirit is when the believer substitutes his own righteousness for the
perfect will of God as it is revealed within the pages of the Bible. In this instance, the believer may actually
think he is doing the will of God, when in reality he is substituting his own
good for the perfect will of God.
Quenching the Spirit is when we say “no” to His leading by substituting
our own good works.
When
Nebuchadnezzar was sent into the wilderness for seven years to learn humility
under the hand of God (Daniel 4:1-37), there was nothing anyone could have done
to stop the events which transpired.
Nebuchadnezzar had to suffer to understand that God is sovereign and
that He establishes kings and also removes them. There are believers today who would think they
were doing the will of God if they were to take Nebuchadnezzar into their
house, wash him, cut his hair, clip his nails and clean him up. This would
actually be sin on the part of the believer who tries to clean him up because
it is God who put Nebuchadnezzar where he was, in his suffering, and only God
could restore him. For a believer (or
anyone else) to offer help to Nebuchadnezzar would be wrong. If anyone were to pull Nebuchadnezzar from
his divinely appointed situation, they would be prolonging the inevitable for
him. Eventually Nebuchadnezzar would
wind up back in the wilderness because that is where God wanted him. We as
believers should be discerning in our eagerness to help others. The believer may think he is doing the will
of God, but he is actually quenching the Spirit by substituting his own good
for the good of God. It was better that
God’s will was done because after the seven years ended, Nebuchadnezzar
“blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever” (Daniel
We
understand that it is God’s will at times to reach out and help the poor,
comfort the broken, and mend the wounds of the down trodden. There is a real ministry for touching others
in need wherever they may be, and it is the Spirit who touches our hearts and
moves us with compassion. Hebrews
12:5-11 clearly demonstrates that there are times when God disciplines His
children, and for another believer to come along and try to stop the
disciplining hand of God, that believer who thought he was helping may find
himself receiving discipline also. When
God disciplines, it is always for the believer’s good from a loving Father who
cares. Discernment alone from the
Scriptures can guide the believer in deciding who is qualified to receive help
and also to avoid quenching the Spirit.
Confession of
Sin
If we confess our sins,
He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness. I John 1:9
As the
believer learns to be filled with (controlled) by the Spirit and also learns to
walk in the Spirit day after day, there is growth and reward. However, when the believer grieves and/or
quenches the Holy Spirit, they are then operating in the flesh. The believer can produce sin, but the
believer cannot deal with their own sin, only God can forgive sin. This becomes important to understand when
considering restoration of fellowship with God.
If we come to God in humility and “confess our sins,” then “He is
faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.” The Greek word omologew
(homologeo) is translated “confess” and means “to say the same”. It means that we say the same thing about our
sin that God says, that it is wrong. omologew means that we cite or name the sin directly to
God the Father, and at that moment He forgives us of the sin we mentioned and He forgives us of all the sins we
are not aware of.
When
I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away
Through
my groaning all day long.
For
day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My
vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer.
I
acknowledged my sin to You,
And
my iniquity I did not hide;
I
said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”;
And
You forgave the guilt of my sin.
Psalm 32:3-5
God is
able to forgive us our sins because of the completed work of Christ on the
cross. Once we confess the sin which
grieved and/or quenched the Holy Spirit, then God restores us perfectly to Him
and we are back under the control of the Spirit and are free to walk in the
Spirit. We will remain in the Spirit
until we sin again, at which time we have the opportunity to confess and receive
restoration again. The believer, if they
are going to grow, must learn to live as much of their life as possible under
the control of the Spirit. This demands
humility and understanding of God’s will for the believer.
We
cannot stress enough that sin is what places you into the flesh as you say no
to the Holy Spirit and go against the will of God as it is found in His
word. Likewise, confession of sin is the
ONLY way to get back into fellowship with God and to get back under the control
of the Holy Spirit. Once you are back
under the control of the Spirit, you can stay there by learning and living
God’s word.
It
should be clear that if you are going to live the Christian life and be the
Christian spouse you ought to be, then you need the filling and strengthening
of the Holy Spirit. Apart from true spirituality you can never live the
Christian life.
This
chart is designed to diagram the simple mechanics of Spirituality and carnality
for the believer. At any moment of the believer’s life he is
either in the Spirit or he is in the flesh; that is, he is either controlled by
the Spirit (in humility) or he is controlled by his Old Sin Nature (in
Pride). When the believer is controlled
by the Holy Spirit his life will line up with the Bible. When the believer is controlled by his Old
Sin Nature his life will line up with the Devil’s world and he will manifest
the fruit of the flesh (Galatians
Chapter Four
Christian
Values – Fruits of the Spirit-led Life
In the first chapter we stressed the importance of God first above all else because we believe that He is the source for a wonderful marriage. In fact, many problems (including problems in marriage) are the direct result of elevating someone or something above God. My job cannot give me meaning. My hobby cannot always bring fulfillment. Everything is limited in its ability to provide fully and consistently, except God
We think people are honestly looking for something or someone to provide for them fully and consistently. It would be nice if we had to eat only once and never be hungry again. It would be nice if our clothes never wore out or if good fashion never changed. It would be nice if a car had to be filled with gas only once after it was purchased and washed only once during the time you owned it. But that is not reality. Yet, people keep looking for something to last longer and longer without failing.
In the gospel of John, Jesus encountered a woman at a well and had a very interesting discussion with her regarding something that would last forever. Jesus, after being questioned by a Samaritan woman regarding a drink of water said, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water” (John. 4:10). Again the woman questions Jesus about this water from Jacob’s well, and Jesus explains to her that He is talking about spiritual water. Jesus states, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst again; but the water that I will give to him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life” (John. 4:13, 14).
The woman at the well then asks for this water so she will never have to draw water again. She was looking for something lasting; Christ said that only He had what she needed and wanted. Christ is the only one who has what we both need and want. Only Christ can give us something that will last forever and never wear out or dry up. The gifts of God are everlasting and like the water promised to this woman, never wear off. The gift of the Spirit is like the gift of living water.
God
has given to us the Spirit so we can be filled in all areas of our life and
live productively in everything we do (Ephesians
It is the fruit of the Spirit we would
like to study in this chapter. The fruit
consists of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians
As each person in the marriage
relationship learns to stop grieving the Spirit (Ephesians
Make no mistake, the believer must be willing to submit to the Father and be willing to obey the commands of Scripture as the Holy Spirit brings them to their remembrance, “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you” (John 14:26). We would like to stress very strongly that the Holy Spirit will NEVER lead you apart from the Scriptures! The Holy Spirit will never contradict the Bible! If you are ever asked or coerced to do something that contradicts the Bible, it is not from the Holy Spirit and therefore is not Christian. When you properly understand and obey the Bible through the Holy Spirit’s prompting, the fruit will speak for itself.
Of the nine Christian virtues, three are inner personal mental attitudes (love, joy, peace); three are outward attitudes directed toward others (patience, kindness, goodness), and the last three are attitudes directed upward toward God (faithfulness, gentleness, self-control). We would like to study more closely the fruit of the Spirit and consider how the manifestation of the fruit becomes important in the marriage.
First is the fruit of love. This is specifically the word agape
in the Koine Greek. There are two other
words for love in the New Testament, but these words do not concern us in this
chapter. It is agape love that is
presented as part of the fruit of the Spirit. Agape is best understood
as an act of the will directed toward another for the purpose of meeting some
particular need (John
The best description of agape in the New Testament comes from the passage of
I
Corinthians 13:4-8. A Christian
should be patient with their spouse, allowing the spouse room to grow, never
being in a hurry to rush God’s work. A
Christian spouse should be kind in how they behave and what they say. They should never be jealous towards their
spouse. A Christian spouse who possesses
love does not feel the need to brag because they understand all good things
come from God and not themselves. They
do not demonstrate arrogance, which is really an overbearing
self-importance. Rather, the spouse
seeks the importance of the other. The
Christian spouse does not behave unbecomingly by being rude, crass, vulgar, or
careless. A loving spouse will not
intentionally give offense. They will not seek their own interests, but the
interests of the other. A loving spouse
will not intentionally provoke anger or hatred.
As the offense is given, forgiveness is immediately offered. A Christian spouse will not rejoice in any
unrighteousness, but will rejoice only in the truth that comes from God. A Christian spouse will bear the burdens of
the other, believe in the other, hope in the other, and endure all things with
the other. This love will never fail.
If a Christian couple talks about love in their lives, but do not express any of the attitudes described in the previous paragraph, they are not under the control of the Spirit. The believer who is yielded to the Spirit will be able to manifest agape. The believer who is yielded to their sin nature is not able to express agape love. The difference lies in the believer who chooses to follow the Holy Spirit or their sin nature. There are no other options; either the believer is following one or the other.
The next fruit is joy. This word is translated from the Greek word chara. Chara is a deep inner joy that is not dependent on circumstances, people, or feelings (James 1:2). This is a joy that comes from God and the understanding that He is in complete control at all times. A believer’s joy comes from God and not their spouse. A Believer can have joy whether the spouse is present or absent. Joy does not come from your spouse, but from God; therefore, when your spouse fails you (and they will), you can have a constant joy stemming from your relationship with God.
In the book of Acts, chapter five,
there is an event in which Peter is told by the High Priest of Jerusalem to
stop preaching in the name of Jesus, and Peter replies that this command is one
he cannot follow. Peter explains that he “must obey God
rather than men” (Acts
Another example of having the joy of the Holy Spirit is when Paul and Silas were attacked and thrown into prison in Acts chapter sixteen. While they were in prison they demonstrated a joyful attitude. “But about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God, and the prisoners were listening to them” (Acts 16:25). Only by following the Holy Spirit’s leading could a person be joyful in a place like prison.
There is no greater example of the joy of the Spirit than that of our Lord Jesus hanging on the cross: “fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews12:2). While Jesus Christ hung on the cross, He had a great joy. He had joy because He knew God’s promises, and had you personally in mind and He knew that you would be saved. The same joy that Christ had on the cross can be the joy you have in your marriage every day. This joy is free from the influence of unpleasant circumstances and harmful events.
Peace is from the Greek eirene. This is a peace that comes from having your
thoughts constantly on Christ (Isaiah 26:3).
Eirene (like joy) expresses
itself independently from circumstances or people (Philippians
Patience
comes from the Greek makrothumia.
This means to refrain from any retaliation or vengeance toward someone
who has treated you wrongly. As
Believers we are to be patient with everyone (I Thessalonians
Kindness is from the Greek chrestotes. This is best understood as an inclination to do good to others. This is not a weakness but rather the strength of the Holy Spirit. When your spouse is unkind to you (and spouses can be), you can follow the Spirit’s leading and show kindness which is not conditional. We realize this will be tough at times, but, under the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit, it is a reality which can be exercised. Kindness shows good manners and consideration to others and should be seen in your relationship to your spouse. Biblical examples of kindness are:
But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit. Titus 3:4-5
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Colossians 3:12-13
Goodness
is from the Greek agathosune.
This word refers to moral integrity. This goodness does not compromise
the righteousness of God (Galatians
Goodness is not easily distinguishable from Kindness in the Bible, except that Goodness sometimes has a sterner quality to it as can be seen of Christ when He was driving out the money-changers from the temple (Matthew 21:12, 13). Again, Goodness demonstrates moral integrity and does not compromise the righteousness of God’s will.
Faithfulness
is translated from the Greek pistis. Faithfulness means dependable,
reliable, and trustworthy. Christian
faith comes from learning and applying the promises, principles, and doctrines
found in the Bible (Romans
Gentleness is translated from the Greek prautes. This word is akin to humility and is a manifestation of the Spirit’s power. Gentleness is seen in submission to the will of God, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12). Gentleness is being teachable by the word of God, “Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls” (James 1:21). Gentleness is consideration to others, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). A believer who is not gentle toward his spouse cannot be manifesting the fruit of the Spirit.
Self-Control is from the Greek enkrateia. Sometimes translated temperance, the word means to master the desires and temptations of the flesh so that your sin nature does not control you. It is interesting that the only time a person has self-control is when he has submitted his life to the Holy Spirit. You cannot control your spouse and should not try to do so. You may hope and pray that your spouse lives for God, but you need to decide for yourself what is right. You need to walk by the Spirit and get control of your own life.
The fruit of the Holy Spirit is a set of mental attitudes that a believer has when his life is under the control of the Holy Spirit. The fruit of the Spirit does not just happen in the believer as they sit back and relax; the believer must actively seek Godliness. The fruit of the Spirit becomes manifest in the believer as they submit themselves to the leading of the Spirit. There must be a willingness and ardent effort to be led by the Spirit and to daily walk in the Spirit.
There will be a struggle from day to day to live in the Spirit and manifest the fruit that comes from Him. Your feelings will contradict the fruit of the Spirit in almost every way. You will have to learn not to be controlled by your feelings, but rather to be led by the word of God as the Holy Spirit directs. When your spouse gives offense, do not let your feelings lead you, rather, let the Spirit control your thoughts.
Now, it seems obvious that if a person is manifesting the fruit of the Spirit, then this person is a prime candidate for a successful relationship with another. If two believers who are married are demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit because they have surrendered their lives over to Christ and walk daily with Him, their relationship will be magnificent. There will arise no problem that they cannot work out because they will have what it takes to get through any issue. With these qualities in a couple, how can they fail? THEY CAN’T!
The foundation of a Christian marriage goes back to putting Christ first above all else, and then learning to walk by means of the Spirit so that His fruit will be evident. Without Christ being first and the Holy Spirit being in control, your marriage will eventually dry up and become stale. It is our hope that you will manifest the fruit of the Spirit toward each other as you learn to live by the word of God.
Chapter Five
A
Husband’s Love
In the previous chapter, we
pointed out that both believers should be demonstrating the fruit of the
Spirit, and that the fruit ought to be manifested toward each other. Apart from the fruit of the Spirit, God has
spoken very clearly regarding the man’s role in the marriage toward his wife. “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians
We would like to
point out from the start that if both the husband and wife are believers in
Christ, then they are saved and there is equality in Christ. Though there is a difference in roles, both
are considered “fellow heirs with Christ” (Romans
There are two
Greek words in the New Testament that are translated as love. The first
we will look at is the Greek word philos. This word refers to a tender affection and is
primarily a soul love. Brotherly love also refers to friendship. It means to cherish or esteem very highly. We will look at this word again when we get
to the next chapter. Next, is the word agape.
This word has already been considered briefly in the last chapter but will be
looked at more closely in this chapter with the husband in mind. It is the word agape that is used in
the command of the husband toward the wife.
In the Scripture, the word agape is used in a number of
ways. For example:
The
love of God toward Israel
For the Lord did not set His love on you
nor choose you because you were more in number than any of the peoples, for you
were the fewest of all peoples, but because the Lord loved you and kept the
oath which He swore to your forefathers, the Lord brought you out by a mighty
hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king
of Egypt. Deuteronomy 7:7-8 (Septuagint)
God’s love here is
seen as a sovereign act of His will towards an undeserving
The husband is to
love his wife because he chooses to do so from his own integrity. Agape
is initiatory and never waits on the other person to act first. A husband should initiate love toward his
wife and hope she responds. Her personal
beauty or any other attributes should not effect his decision to act in love
toward her. The husband should love the
wife because he is commanded to.
Another example of agape in the Bible can be seen in God’s love toward all mankind:
For God so loved the world that He gave
His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have
eternal life. John 3:16
But God demonstrates His own love toward
us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
For the love of Christ controls us, having
concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; II Corinthians
But God, being rich in mercy, because of
His great love with which He loved us, (even when we were dead in our
transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been
saved), Ephesians 2:4-5
We know love by this that He laid down His
life for us; and we lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees
his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God
abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in
deed and truth. I John 3:16-18
Beloved let us love one another, for love
is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who
does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us,
that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live
through Him. In this is love, not that
we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for
our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us,
we also ought to love one another. No
one has seen God at any time; if we love on another, God abides in us, and His
love is perfected in us. I John 4:7-12
We have come to know and have believed the
love which God has for us. God is love,
and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. I John
4:16
We love because He first loved us. I John
4:19
In these verses we see that God’s love for
humanity is never evoked because of anything beautiful in us. God loves because of who He is, never because
of who we are. God is love!
Another example of
agape in the Bible is revealed in God’s
command of a believer to love other believers:
A new commandment I give to you, that you
love one another even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By
this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one
another. John 13:34-35
With all humility and gentleness, with
patience, showing tolerance for one another in love… Ephesians 4:2
But speaking the truth in love, we are to
grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ… Ephesians 4:15
And walk in love, just as Christ also
loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a
fragrant aroma. Ephesians 5:2
Beyond all these things put on love, which
is the perfect bond of unity. Colossians 3:14
Above all, keep fervent in your love for
one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. I Peter 4:8
By this the children of God and the
children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness
is not of God, nor the one who does not love his brother. For this is the message which you have heard
from the beginning that we should love one another. I John 3:10-11
We know love by this that He laid down His
life for us; and we lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees
his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God
abide in him? Little children, let us
not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. I John 3:16-18
This is His commandment, that we believe
in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love on another, just as He commanded
us. I John 3:23
Beloved let us love one another, for love
is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who
does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us,
that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live
through Him. In this is love, not that
we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for
our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us,
we also ought to love one another. No
one has seen God at any time; if we love on another, God abides in us, and His
love is perfected in us. I John 4:7-12
There is no fear in love; but perfect love
casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not
perfected in love. I John 4:18
We love because He first loved us. I John
4:19
If someone says, “I love God,” and hates
his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has
seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from
Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also. I John 4:20-21
Believers are commanded to love one
another. This is also true of one
believing spouse to another believing spouse.
This should stand out as overwhelming evidence that the husband must
love his wife because of the Lord. The
husband should not love his wife because she is beautiful but because the Lord
commands it of him. This should
demonstrate that love is a mental attitude and not a feeling.
Husbands,
understand that your wife will not always seem physically attractive to you.
There will be some mornings when your wife will crawl out of bed, and you will
hardly recognize her. Do not be shaken by
her behavior or appearance but love her as a believer in Christ. We would also like to point out that God’s
love never waivers when you lose touch with reality and become ugly through
sinful behavior. God loves you with a
perfect love because He is perfect.
God’s love never increases or decreases when you fail Him. God cannot
love you any more than He already does.
Your love toward your wife should reflect God’s love toward you.
Further, it can be
seen in Scripture that love is expressed
through obedience to God:
If you love me, you will keep my
commandments. He who has my commandments and keeps them is the one who loves
me; and he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and
will disclose myself to him. Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves
me, he will keep my word; and my Father will love him, and we will come to him
and make our abode with him. John 14:15, 21, 23
For this is the love of God, that we keep
His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome. I John 5:3
If you do not love God, you will not obey
God. You loving your wife is the direct
result of you loving God and obeying Him and His commands for you. But this presupposes that you understand what
God asks of you as a Christian. You must
understand His word and learn to live it daily.
In addition, the
word agape is used of love
expressed from the believer to God:
And we know that God causes all things to
work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according
to His purpose. Romans 8:28
And though you have not seen Him, you love
Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice
with joy inexpressible and full of glory. I Peter 1:8
If you do not love God, then you do not
see all things working together for good.
If you love God, then you see all things working toward your best
interest. If you love God above your
wife, then you will see the trials that come into your marriage as an
opportunity to see God in action and to learn to love her in the face of
adversity. Too, love does not have to
see the object loved. Love is a choice
expressed by the will of the one loving.
Love is also an expression of faith because you are commanded to love,
even though you do not see the one being loved.
As a husband you do not always have to see your wife to love her.
Next, there is the
wonderful description of agape presented in I Corinthians 13: 4-8:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not
seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth; bears all
things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never
fails… I Corinthians 13:4-8
Though this
verse was presented in the last chapter, it is very important to present it
again. This verse is so straightforward
that if any husband questions his behavior toward his wife, all he needs to do
is compare it with this verse. Again, we
would like to point out that any husband who has learned to be controlled by
the Spirit would demonstrate agape love toward his wife. If there is no sign of love, then it is
important to see that the believing husband has lapsed back into a state of
carnality and is under the control of his sin nature and should confess his
sins immediately to God (I John 1:9).
The presence or absence of agape love should be a sign showing
the believing husband whether or not he is under the control of the Holy
Spirit.
Next is the command to love not the world:
Do not love the world nor the things in
the world. If anyone loves the world,
the love of the Father is not in him. I John 2:15
The love of God
and the love of the world are mutually exclusive. They are not the same and cannot exist
together at the same time. This is the
Devil’s world, and his brand of love can be seen through every form of media,
as well as through carnal people who live according to the world’s
standards. The world does not understand
the love of God; therefore, when a believer lives according to God’s love, only
another believer and God Himself will understand.
The love the
husband should have toward his wife is different from the love that the world
understands. Agape love is
forgiving, understanding, and compassionate, knows no bounds, never fails. The world’s love is quid pro quo
(something for something). It is based
upon contracts between two people and always fails because people always fail.
The world’s love is seen on the soap operas as vicious, deceitful, untrusting,
manipulative, and weak. The world does
not understand Christian love and should not be expected to. We are commanded to love not the world or the
things in the world. This is the devil’s
world and is passing away because of sin.
The husband who loves the world or the things in the world does not love
His wife. He cannot love both God and
the world at the same time; either he loves the one or the other.
Finally, believing men are commanded to agape
love their wives:
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ
also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25
Nevertheless, each individual among you also
is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she
respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Husbands, love your wives and do not be
embittered against them. Colossians 3:19
These verses bring us to the main purpose
of this chapter. It is here that the
believing husband can clearly see the command of God to love his wife. We will take time to focus more thoroughly
upon the Ephesians 5:25 verse because it gives us a comparison for the
husband. The agape love that the
husband is to show to his wife is the highest form of love expressed in the
Bible. It is the same love Christ
expresses toward the church.
In order to
understand this love, we must take time to understand how Christ loves the
church. A few things will be considered
in Christ that can be compared with the command of the husband.
First, Christ gave
of Himself, even His life, for the provision of the church. This shows Christ’s love in salvation. The husband should always be first to
demonstrate giving in order to meet a need in the other. The husband should give love, time,
appreciation, and any other thing that his wife might need.
Second, Christ guides
the church by giving instruction through the word and through the Holy
Spirit. The husband should be willing to
guide and lead his wife through the life they have together. The husband should be guided by the word of
God and the Holy Spirit. The husband is never to be a dictator, always telling
his wife what to do. Rather, as the
leader, he takes the first step outward while calling his wife to come. As a leader he should consult his wife on all
matters that might effect a decision.
Third, Christ protects
the church. Christ provides daily protection for His church so that the church
can have freedom from harm and danger.
The husband should always be the first to jump in harms way for the
protection of his wife. He should also
be the first to protect her honor and dignity while in the presence of
others. A husband should never betray
his wife by breaking her trust in him to protect her honor. A husband should never run his wife down
verbally; this is a form of hatred, not love.
A husband should protect his wife physically, emotionally, and
spiritually.
Fourth, Christ
loved the church with the plan of the Father always in mind. When Christ started the church, there was
plan in mind about the way it should function.
Christ’s plan was from the Father.
The husband should love his wife with a plan or goal in mind about the
way their marriage should be. There
should always be something to live for and grow toward in their life together.
The husband is to
love his wife with the greatest love in the universe that can only come from
God. If he learns to love his wife with
this kind of love, we dare to say that his wife will probably never have a
problem responding to him. If a man will
love his wife with agape love, not only will he be in obedience to the
will of God, but he will also have the happiest woman on the planet.
Leadership is a
sign of spiritual maturity in a husband.
It says the man has understood the will of God for him and has acted
upon it. This leadership means that he
will accept responsibility for whatever decisions are made, good or bad. It also means he will take the time to
continually seek God’s word for the purpose of understanding how to be the
spiritual leader. A leader expresses
humility in everything he does. In humility
he will accept his leadership role, given to him by God without thinking he
earns it or deserves it. He will
recognize his divine appointment and not shrink away from his responsibilities.
What if the wife
does not want leadership? What if she
rebels? If the husband is doing all God
asks of him, then he must trust God to deal with His wife. God is able to humble those who walk in pride
(Daniel
As the leader in
the marriage, the husband is to initiate love.
If he does not initiate love, then the wife is not given the legitimate
opportunity to respond. If the wife is
not given the opportunity to respond to love, then she may try to assume the
role of leader of the house and reverse roles.
This is not the divine order.
Just as Christ leads the church, so the husband is to lead the
wife. In cases where the wife leads in
the marriage, it is usually because the husband has failed to be the man God
intended him to be. The man is not to be
submissive to the wife as the responder, and the wife is not to have authority
over the man as the leader. This is a
reversal of roles and contradicts the Biblical concept of marriage.
Chapter Six
A Wife’s Submission
Just as the
husband has a clear command in the Scriptures to love his wife, so the wife has
a clear command to submit to her husband.
This is a touchy subject with some people who are over sensitive and
have a problem with authority. Women are
just as gifted as men in regards to attaining wisdom, righteousness, and life.
However, women are to support and men to lead.
There is no cause for derision.
Of course, this command to submit is to believing wives, not the
unbelieving world. Since the Scriptures speak to Christians regarding conduct,
then Christians should listen.
Wives be subject to your own
husbands, as to the Lord. But as the
church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their
husbands in everything”
Ephesians 5:22-24
This verse speaks to the heart of a wife’s
Christian conduct toward her husband. She is to submit. However, due to society’s distortion of
almost everything Christian, this command has fallen under serious refutation
from the world.
The world would
like to argue that a wife should never submit to her husband under any
conditions. The world says that a woman
should be her own person and never submit to another, even if it is her
husband. The Bible says that a woman is
what God has made her to be and that she is to fulfill the role God intended
for her. There is no greater honor for a
woman than to be all God created her to be.
If the wife seeks to resist God’s will for her at this point, then she
is under rebellion.
A wife might think
that submission means loss of identity or freedom. Even though the wife is giving something up
when she submits to the man, her submission is first to God and His command for
her. If a wife thinks that she can have
freedom by defying God’s commands for her, then she is very misled. A freedom that leads away from God is not
freedom at all; it is slavery to the devil.
Before we proceed,
we would like to look at several verses where the word submission is found and
hopefully dispel any wrong notions. The word
submission comes from the Greek hupotasso and was first used as a
military term meaning to rank under. Submission
is one person subjecting himself to the divinely delegated authority of another. This precise meaning will be seen in the
following verses.
The word hupotasso is used
of believers submitting to God:
Furthermore,
we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not
much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? Hebrews 12:9
Submit therefore
to God. Resist the devil and he will
flee from you. James 4:7
Submission to God
is for the purpose of protection from discipline and also for protection from
the Devil. If a person is submitting to
God, they are at the same time rejecting the Devil. You cannot submit to both God and the Devil
at the same time. Neither can you reject both God and the Devil at the same
time. Either you are submitting to one
and rejecting the other, or vise versa.
Believers are commanded to submit to God for their well-being.
The word hupotasso is used
of the creation being in subjection to God:
For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope… Romans 8:20
For He
did not subject to angels the world to come, concerning which we are
speaking. You have put all things in
subjection under His feet. Hebrews 2:5, 8
Here,
all of the created order finds its proper place in subjection to God. After the fall God subjected the creation to
futility because of sin and rebellion.
In the future God will again restore nature to its proper place.
The word hupotasso is used of the
subjection of the angels to God:
Who is at the right hand of God, having gone into heaven, after angels and authorities and powers had been subjected to Him. I Peter 3:22
After the resurrection, Christ was placed as head over all angels, authorities and powers. This was to show the supremacy of Christ over all of creation. Christ stands at the head of all that exists in the universe and there is no one greater than Him.
The word hupotasso is used of Jesus being subject to His parents while on earth:
And He went down
with them and came to
What’s
significant about this story is that Jesus had gone with His parents to
The passage says, “He continued in subjection to
them.” Subjection clearly does not mean
there is no independence. Even though
Christ was in submission to His parents, He was still able to express
independence. When a wife submits to her
husband, it does not mean that she loses her independence as a person. Her life is not to be so wrapped up in her
husband that she loses identity as well as freedom of expression. She is, however, to give her husband
preference as the head of the family, just as Jesus submitted to His parents.
The word hupotasso is used of the
subjection of Jesus to the Father:
For He has put all things in subjection under His feet. But when He says, “All things are put in subjection,” it is evident that He is excepted who put all things in subjection to Him. When all things are subjected to Him, then the Son Himself also will be subjected to the One who subjected all things to Him, so that God may be all in all. I Corinthians 15:27-28
It is
very interesting that Jesus submitted Himself to the Father because it was the
right thing to do. Jesus was in no way
inferior to the Father, yet Jesus was willing to submit Himself to the Father. The husband is in no way superior to the
wife, any more than God the Father is superior to God the Son. Submission does not mean inferiority of one
person to another. The wife submits to
her husband because she is commanded to, not because she is a lesser person
then he is. The issue of submission has to do with divinely delegated
authority, not equality.
The
word hupotasso is used of the church’s submission to Christ:
And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church. Ephesians 1:22
The church is said to be in submission to Jesus Christ who is placed at the head. Just as Christ leads the church, so the husband is to lead the wife. The wife is to submit to the leading of the husband who is the head of the family.
The word hupotasso
is used of the submission of the believer to the authority of the church:
The
women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak,
but are to subject themselves, just as the law also says. I Corinthians 14:34
That you
also be in subjection to such men and to everyone who helps in the work and
labors. I Corinthians 16:16
You
younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe
yourselves with humility toward one anther, for God is opposed to the proud,
but gives grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
There is a clearly delegated authority within the church to which believers are commanded to be subject. These are equal believers within the body of Christ. However, there are persons in the church whom God has specially gifted for the purpose of communicating the Bible and leading. The persons whom God has gifted and placed within His body should have the submission of the other believers. Here, again, is an example of divinely delegated authority. The men who have leadership gifts did not ask for the gifts, nor do they deserve them. God gave the gifts to these men as an expression of His sovereignty and wisdom. Can any believer in his right mind deny the sovereignty or wisdom of God? Can any wife in her right mind deny the sovereignty and wisdom of God in placing her husband as the head of the house?
The
word hupotasso is used of the believer being in submission to
governmental authority:
Every person
is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God,
and those that exist are established by God. Therefore it is necessary to be in
subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience’ sake. Romans
13:1, 5
Remind
them to be subject to rulers, to authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for
every good deed. Titus 3:1
Submit
yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every institution, whether to a king as the
one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evil
doers and the praise of those who do right. I Peter 2:13-14
The believer is commanded to be in subjection to governmental authority. Likewise, the wife is to be in subjection to the authority God has given to her husband. It is interesting that Paul wrote the Titus passage while he was in prison under the reign of Nero. Nero was a malicious ruler, but Paul understood that Nero’s authority came from God and that Christians were to submit to government.
Now, we would like to point something out at this time that
we believe the scriptures are very clear about.
A believer should submit to authority all the time, except when that
authority attempts to supercede or contradict the authority of God. The only time a wife has the right to reject
the authority of her husband is when her husband asks her to do something that
contradicts the authority of God in His Word.
Her rejection of her husband’s authority, however, is only the result of
her ultimate submission to God. For example
the three Hebrew children of Daniel chapters two and three demonstrated their
submission to Nebuchadnezzar by changing their names, clothing and other areas
of their lives. But they defied the king when he asked them to bow down and
worship a golden statue he had made. The
Hebrews defied the king at this point because he asked them to do something
that would contradict the will of God.
If a person is going to reject any governmental authority,
it should be for the purpose of submission to God’s authority. If the believer is going to reject
governmental authority, the believer should make sure he understands the Bible
and all the commands God has for him. If
a wife is going to reject her husband’s authority because she thinks he is
asking her to do something against God, she had better be sure she understands
the Bible properly and is making a right move by submitting to God’s
authority. The only answer for the wife
is a clear and thorough understanding of the Bible. Her submission to her husband is because she
accepts the authority of the Bible as God’s final word for her life.
The Bible does not command a woman to submit to every man, but to one man, her husband. We would also like to point out that the husband is never commanded to make his wife submit. The husband is to hope that his wife will be submissive, but he is never commanded to make her submissive. The wife is never commanded to submit to a beating from her husband. The wife should submit to his leadership and love, not his abuses. If a husband tries to make his wife submit by force, then he is not acting in love; rather he is operating from a power trip. If a man shows love toward his wife, she is more likely to submit to his leadership. A man should not use his leadership authority in ways that frustrate his wife’s God given creativity and individuality.
The word hupotasso is used of slaves to their masters:
Urge bond slaves to be subject to their own masters in everything, to be well pleasing, not argumentative. Titus 2:9
Servants be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. I Peter 2:18
Though we do not have slavery
today like that which existed in the
A wife’s submission is not based on the
character of the one to whom she is submitting. There may be times when the
husband is being unreasonable, but this is not ground for rejection of his
authority. The only ground for rejection
of authority is when that authority attempts to supercede or contradict the
authority of God. Where the Scriptures
are silent, there must be open communication between both partners and a
willingness to resolve issues together.
When a wife voices honest doubts or questions concerning a decision this
does not mean she is in rebellion or challenging her husband’s authority.
When a wife goes about maligning her husband and verbally
running him down, then she is in rebellion to his authority. She cannot be in submission while she
vilifies him to others. A wife should
never speak badly of her husband to another, ever, any more than he should
vilify her.
The
word hupotasso is used of submission of a wife to her husband:
Wives be
subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Wives be
subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. But as the church is subject to Christ, so
also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Ephesians
5:22, 24
To be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to
their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Titus 2:5
In the
same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of
them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the
behavior of their wives. I Peter 3:1
For in
this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn
themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed
Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is
right without being frightened by any fear. I Peter 3:5-6
When a wife is submissive
to her husband according to the command of the Bible, it is a beautiful thing
to her. If a wife is not in subjection
to her husband, then the word of God is held in contempt by the watching
world. The duty of the wife is to submit
to her husband according to the word of God. Sarah obeyed Abraham and called
him “lord”. This signified her recognition of his place in their relationship.
Submission does not mean a lack of independence. It does not mean inferiority. It does not mean submitting to a
beating. It does not mean the wife is
less intelligent. It does not mean
submitting to all men, but rather to one man, her husband. Submission is an easy thing to do if the
husband loves as he is commanded. No
woman in her right mind would reject her husband’s authority if he were willing
to love her as Christ loved the church.
With this type of love a woman will gladly submit to her husband’s God-
ordained position of leadership.
Submission is a
sign of spiritual maturity on the part of the woman. Her submission is first to God and then her
husband. If the wife does not submit in
accordance with the will of God, then it is probably because she is out to
change her husband to her liking rather than leaving any change to God. If the husband does not want to lead as he
should, according to the will of God, then the wife is not to try to change
him; she is to pray that God will lead him.
If the husband walks in pride, then the wife is to continue in her
Christian walk with the understanding that God is able to humble those who walk
in pride (Daniel 4:37).
It is interesting
that nowhere in the Bible is the woman commanded to agape love her
husband. The only exception is the
general command of all believers to agape love all other believers. There is a command in Titus 2:4 for the wife
to love her husband, but this is not agape love; rather, it is philos love.
The wife is commanded to support her husband and to be his helpmate, “So
that they may encourage the young women to love (filandrouV, philandrous) their husbands, to
love (filoteknouV, philoteknous)
their children” Titus 2:4. To clarify
this point further, it is the primary purpose of a husband to agape love his wife, whereas it is the
primary purpose of a woman to submit
to her husband.
Spiritual maturity frees a woman to be feminine. This is a natural process because it goes in accordance with God’s purpose in creation. A woman living within God’s perfect will is a woman who is continually being transformed in her desires to fit God’s will (Romans 12:2). The freedom comes when a woman is transformed by the Holy Spirit as she studies and lives by the word of God.
Special consideration of Ephesians
And be
subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Ephesians 5:21
Because Ephesians
The meaning of “be subject to”
·
Jesus is subject to the authority of his parents
(Luke
·
demons are subject to the disciples (Luke
·
citizens are to be subject to government
authorities ( Rom. 13:1, 5; Tit. 3:1; 1 Pet.
·
the universe is subject to Christ (1 Cor.
·
unseen spiritual powers are subject to Christ (1
Pet.
·
Christ is subject to God the Father (1 Cor.
·
church members are to be subject to church
leaders ( 1 Cor.
·
wives are to be subject to their husbands (Col.
3:18; Tit. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:5; Eph.
·
the church is subject to Christ (Eph.
·
servants are to be subject to their masters
(Tit. 2:9; 1 Pet.
· Christians are subject to God (Tit. 2:9; Jas. 4:7)
Here is the point: None of these relationships are ever reversed. Husbands are never told to be subject (hupotasso) to their wives, nor the government to citizens, nor masters to servants, nor the disciples to demons. Clearly parents are never told to be subject to their children...while wives are several times in the New Testament told to be subject to their husbands (Eph. 5:22-24; Col. 3:18; tit. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1-6), the situation is never reversed: husbands are never told to be subject to their wives. Why is this, if Paul wanted to teach mutual submission? …What does “one another” mean in Ephesians 5:21? It means “some to others,” not “everyone to everyone.” The meaning of hupotasso, which always indicates one-directional submission to an authority, prevents the sense of “everyone to everyone” in this verse. Therefore, it is not “mutual submission,” but submission to appropriate authorities, which Paul is commanding in Ephesians 5:21. [1]
Each believer is to be “subject to one another” as God has ordained some to be in authority over others. To say that Paul is teaching mutual submission between husband and wife in the above passage, is to abandon all other references in the Bible regarding both the meaning of the word hupotasso, and also every command specifically spoken to women to be in submission to their husbands. Such a gross misrepresentation of the Scriptures cannot be supported by an exegetical or categorical study.
Chapter Seven
Changing Your Mind – Learning to Adjust Your
Thinking
So far we have presented principles in the Bible that, if followed, will strengthen your marriage. The principles of putting Christ first and walking by means of the Spirit are not only applicable to your marriage, but every area of your life such as your job, your school, sports, etc. We considered the centrality of the Bible as well as the roles of a husband and the roles of a wife and understand that these Biblical principles speak directly to marriage. We understand that a Christian marriage grows as each believer grows and that growth occurs over time as the believer learns the Bible and also learns to make application to his life.
Growing takes time and effort for the believer. There are some wonderful verses in the Bible that tell us how to grow as Christians. Growth must begin with understanding the Bible. It is the correct content of our thinking that determines the right decisions we make. If we learn to think as a Christian, according to the mandates of the Bible, then our life will reflect this. “For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (Proverbs 23:7). A person is exactly what they think at any given moment.
We hope to encourage you in this chapter to take the preceding chapters and learn them thoroughly. Read them until you understand the principles clearly enough to make daily application to your marriage. If you will do this, you will experience the dynamic marriage that comes from two Christians who are growing in Christ. Learning to be the Christian you ought to be, amounts to having the best Christian marriage possible. But make no mistake; you must learn it first.
Note the following verse:
We
are destroying speculations and every
lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking
every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, II Corinthians 10:5
We are commanded to make sure our thinking lines up with what Christ expects of us. We are to seize every thought and bring it into obedience with the will of God. Our thinking should line up with the Bible. To the degree we do not line our thinking up with the Bible, we are susceptible to satanic infiltration. If you do not learn to control your thinking and are not able to compare your thoughts with Scripture, then you are open to all sorts of pitfalls.
Part of learning to control your thinking involves focusing your attention on God and His word rather than life and its problems. At any given moment you are focusing on someone or something. If that someone or something is God and His word, there will be a peace and joy and overall stability as a result. There is a real danger of focusing on everyone and everything to the exclusion of God and His word and once this happens you lose your peace. As demons come against you (and they will), it becomes important to understand and apply the principle of focusing your faith on God. Demons will try to get you to look away from God and His word because if they can do that, then you have lost the source of your strength and stability and it is only a matter of time before you begin to unravel.
Focus on Christ as the source for your mental stability
Isaiah 26:3; Jeremiah 17:7; Philippians 4:6-11;
James 1:2-4; II Corinthians 10:3-5; I John 1:9;
Psalm 32:2-5; Colossians 2:8; 3:1-3;
When you are looking to God and your focus is continually on Him there is a peace and joy that comes from knowing He is in control of your life at all times.
Focusing on anything other than Christ brings instability
Romans 12:2, 14-21;
James 1:6-7; Jeremiah 17:5;
When you spend all of your time looking away from the Lord, then you can be guaranteed that life will not be able to meet your needs and that you will experience misery.
When demonic attacks come upon Christians, the battle zone is the mind. These demons will try to exalt ideas, speculations, and other thoughts that may seem lofty, but actually are designed to hurt you by causing you to look away from God and cutting off the source of your strength. Your marriage is one area of your life where you must learn to control your thinking and make sure it lines up Biblically or else you will fall prey to attitudes that will divide and destroy.
The only defense we have against demonic attack is a proper understanding and application of the Bible. When Christ underwent His attack, as described in Matthew chapter four, our Lord found defense in Scripture and He was able to recall Scripture and apply it to His situation and have victory. If this method was reliable enough for Christ, it is reliable enough for us. In fact, this is the command we have next, to learn to control our thinking so the enemy does not get a foothold.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
We are commanded not to be conformed to the world but, rather, to be conformed to the will of God. We are to have our mind renewed by the word of God. Renewing the mind is a daily practice of studying the Bible for the purpose of making application to various situations we will encounter. His word is the only way we can understand His perfect will for us as Christians. God has spoken clearly about marriage and we should listen.
Renewing the mind is a daily process of learning to think the thoughts of God as they are found within the pages of the Bible. God only speaks for our benefit. We should take seriously His command to renew our minds. If we choose conformity with the world by accepting its viewpoint via television, literature, music, etc., then we say no to God and His offer of a perfect plan and we set ourselves up for massive failure.
The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts
in You. Isaiah 26:3
When you have your mind focused on Christ through study, prayer, praise, or fellowship, there is a peace. When you break away from thinking about Christ or His word for you, and focus on circumstances, people, or yourself, then there will eventually come frustration, fear, worry doubt, confusion, or anything else that breaks you down. Where your thoughts are focused determines whether you are relaxed or worried.
If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-3
Our goal as a Christian should be to give Christ the proper place in our thoughts. We are to “keep seeking the things above, where Christ is”. We as Christians can become so preoccupied with the circumstances of this life that we can become despondent and unproductive. The stability of an individual lies in the content and continuity of his thinking. When our eyes are on Jesus we have victory, when our eyes are on anything but Jesus we set ourselves up for failure!
We love the story of Daniel in the lion’s den because it
illustrates this principle so well. When
Daniel was thrown into the lion’s den (Daniel 6:16-28), he could have imagined
all the horror stories he had heard or seen of people being ripped limb from
limb as they tried to scratch their way out of the pit. He could have thought
that it was all over for him except for the shouting. But Daniel knew that God in His omniscience
was completely aware of his situation, and that in His omnipresence He was
there with Daniel, and that in His omnipotence He was in control. Daniel chose to set His mind upon God in the
midst of his situation and therefore he had a peace from God. Daniel’s thoughts
determined his behavior. He was so
relaxed mentally after he was let out of the lion’s den; he took time to give
homage to the king who put him there (Daniel
If Daniel can have peace by looking to the Lord in his den of lions, then surely you can have peace in the midst of your problems. You too can have the relaxed attitude Daniel had because God is there for you. If you will learn to focus on Christ, there will be no trial too great for you to handle. But the key to great living is great thinking. You must be able to apply Scripture to your own particular situation within your marriage. Learning to serve Christ in what you think must precede learning to live for Christ in what you do. Discipline in the Christian life regarding the study of the Scriptures and the application to life is the key to Spiritual growth and victory in the Devil’s world.
Believers do occasionally break down in adversity. An example would be Elijah who one day called down fire from heaven while facing off against hundreds of false prophets, yet the very next day ran from an evil woman named Jezebel who made a threat against him (I Kings 18:20 – 19:8). David also fell into adversity when he stayed home from battle and found himself lusting after another man’s wife (II Samuel 11:1-26). Peter fell into adversity when he stopped thinking about Christ and denied the Lord three times (Matthew 26:69-75). What happened to these men? They looked away from God and chose not to follow His commands for them. Straying from Biblical thought leads to straying of action in life.
Once you stop thinking about God and His word, your decisions are made from human viewpoint. If your mind strays from Christ, you will lose your peace. You will at any time be focused either on Christ or your flesh. Christ brings peace; your flesh brings all sorts of problems.
For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:5-8.
The training that goes into adjusting your thinking for the purpose of living the Christian life is a daunting task. If you devote yourself to perpetual study and application, it may take years but maturity will come. The demands of the Christian life are great and greatly rewarding for the person who learns to live it. If you learn to adjust your thinking so that God’s word dominates your thoughts, then every area of your life will become stabilized, including your marriage. This might seem obvious at this point in the book, but the issues we are presenting apply to all areas of life.
Therefore, prepare
your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on
the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient
children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in
your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also
in all your behavior; because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” I Peter 1:13-16.
Our minds should always be prepared for action
because we do not know when disaster will come upon us. Job certainly had no idea of the disaster
that was coming his way (Job 1:6-12).
Yet Job did not crumble when he lost his family, his wealth, and his
health all within a day. He said “the
Lord gives, and Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job
Your hope is to be fixed completely on the grace Christ provides for you. God will indeed extend grace to you in whatever situation you find yourself. When disaster comes upon your marriage, Christ will make a grace provision, but your mind must be prepared for action. You must learn to train your mind to think Scripture.
There is no excuse for failing in life, and there is no excuse for failing in marriage. God could not have accomplished any more for us than what He has already has by giving us the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Bible.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:6-13.
We are commanded to let our minds dwell on the things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good report, and anything worthy of excellence or praise. We are also commanded to practice the things that Paul practiced in his life. We like this verse because all the things mentioned in this verse can be used as a gauge to determine where our thoughts are. Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to think on lustful thoughts, jealousy, anger, hatred, bitterness, and so on. This is because these things come naturally from our sin nature and the world. We are commanded to think on the Scriptures and God.
Paul learned to be content in whatever situation he was in because he knew that it was God who provided for him in every way. Though Paul was talking about his own situation, it should be obvious that we too can learn to focus on Him who is our strength. Whether our marriage goes through good times or hard times, we can have strength from God to provide for our every need. But again, we need to learn to adjust our thinking to the Bible.
Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16.
Learn to let the word of Christ permeate your thinking. Learn to sing hymns and praises in the midst of your circumstances. Sometimes your praises become an expression of faith as you trust God. Remember, we worship God not because we always feel like it, but because He is holy and worthy of such. If the word of God richly fills our minds and we are singing praises daily and giving thanks to God, we will become more relaxed in our daily affairs.
See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:15-18.
We are commanded to give thanks to God in everything we do. We are to rejoice and never stop
praying. Joyful people make a joyful
marriage. Learning to give thanks in
everything is a sign of a trained Christian mind. In Acts 5:40–41, Peter was
given thirty-nine lashes with a whip and he walked away “rejoicing” because he
knew he was suffering according to the will of God. Also, in the book of Acts chapter
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4.
Rejoicing is a choice we make as Christians because it is a command from God. When the Scriptures permeate our thinking, we will not look to our circumstances to fulfill us. As a married couple, will you choose to joyfully count your trials as a test of your faith and as an opportunity to grow more in Christ? There will be tests in life and there will be trials; whether you pass the tests and trials depends on your willingness to know God and His word.
Learning to think properly as a Christian means learning to act properly as a Christian. Your marriage will reflect what you think. Please consider the verses mentioned in this chapter and understand that God has told us what we are to think as well as how this thinking will affect our lives. Learning to adjust your thinking to what the Scripture teaches is the key to making God’s word a reality in your marriage.
Chapter Eight
Pitfalls to
Avoid
A pitfall is an unexpected danger that a person may fall into. Pitfalls for Christians come from many directions and some are designed to persuade the believer to focus on something other than God and His word. We have presented some basic teachings of the Bible that offer a strong foundation for any Christian couple. The pitfalls listed here are not exhaustive. They are the spiritual problems that can plague a marriage and are related to the chapters in this book.
The first pitfall for the married couple to avoid is failing to place God first in their lives. Once the couple fails to give God His proper place, life will take a turn for the worse. If God is no longer first, there will be no capacity for life or any way of coping with the pressures from the world. There is a temptation of turning away from God in times of trouble as well as in times of prosperity. When a couple loses focus of their most important love (Revelation 2:4), they are setting themselves up for failure.
There are needs in the lives of both believers that only God can fill. Believers should look to God to be the provider of their strength and stability, not their spouse. The answer to this pitfall is to give God first place in your life. There should never come a time when Christ is second on the list of priorities.
The second pitfall for the believer is failure to give the Scriptures their proper place in life. If the Scriptures are abandoned and a frantic search for happiness ensues in the devil’s world, it is only a matter of time before the Lord will send discipline to the erring believer. If there is to be growth resulting in maturity, then there must be a consistent daily intake and application of the word of God.
Do not become stagnant in the study and application of Bible doctrine. When a believer deviates from studying and living by God’s word, they become stagnant or dry up. When one or both persons in a marriage stop studying God’s word, then it is only a matter of time before the world’s viewpoint creeps in and takes hold. The answer to this pitfall is to study the Bible daily and give the Scriptures a central place in your life. This answer never has an end as long as the believer lives on the earth. There is never a time when they should stop learning or living by God’s word.
The third pitfall for the married couple to avoid is grieving
(Ephesians
When we are not manifesting the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians
The fourth pitfall is failing to understand and live according to the respective roles God has designed for both the man and the woman in the marriage. When there is a reversal of roles, where the wife leads and the husband submits, there cannot be God’s blessing. The husband is to be the aggressive lover and leader in the marriage. The wife is to submit to her husband’s loving and leading.
We do not live in a man’s world nor do we live in a woman’s world; we live in the devil’s world, and because this is so, both the husband and wife should never get caught up in the world’s view. The world has skewed God’s role of the husband and wife, turning it upside down. If married believers want to have the best marriage possible, then they need to understand and conform to God’s plan. Every other plan is a satanic substitute. The answer to this pitfall is for both the husband and wife to understand clearly the teaching of the Bible regarding their respective roles and then make a diligent effort to apply this teaching.
The fifth pitfall is to lose your focus on God and spend all your time looking to anything and everything other than Him. There are a lot of opportunities to let your mind think on the things of the world to the exclusion of Christ. The answer to this pitfall is to learn to train your mind through the Scriptures and to focus continually on Christ and His word. Set your mind continually on things above where Christ is seated and stop letting your mind be preoccupied with the cares of this world.